Moomoo Stink and the Hell Raisers
by crazy-whores
Summary: Usagi and Mamoru are dumped off on a deserted island for a month by their so-called friends. With LADYSOLO and CRYSTAL ROSE pulling the strings of fate, what will happen to our fave duo? R/R or we hunt you down and eat your livers.
1. Prologue & Chapter 1

AN: *crystal_rose smacks RebaJean in the face with her gauntlet* We-ladysolo and crystal_rose-accept your challenge and have come up with this little tidbit. So, dear reader, if you've got a low threshold for craziness and immaturity, I say you hit the back button right now and save the flame for RJ, because if you flame either one of us, we guarantee that we'll flame your ass back so fast, you'll be left wondering if the burning sensation you're feeling is from the chili you just ingested, or because you haven't washed down there in days. If you think you've got the sickest sense of humour-one that can rival ours-then by all means, scroll down and have a bucket ready to catch all the pee that you're guaranteed to expel in reading this story.  
  
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Moomoo Stink and the Hell Raisers  
By: crystal_rose and ladysolo  
  
  
Prologue  
  
Three masked figures carefully stepped out of the rowboat, the tallest one unceremoniously tossing out one large burlap sack before being followed by a much smaller one onto the sandy shore.  
  
"Oof!" The tall figure grinned mercilessly behind her mask as the groan was heard from the larger sack.  
  
"Was all this really necessary?" the shortest of the three commented, gesturing to the two sacks on the beach. "I mean, knocking them out was one thing, stuffing them into burlap sacks as if they were potatoes is another."  
  
"Aw, you're too soft, Blue Balls." The figure that spoke whipped off her balaclava, her raven hair tumbling down past her waist, and poked at the smaller bundle with her foot, eliciting a slight groan from within. She grinned wickedly. This was proving to be real fun. "They asked for this, Balls. For months, we've begged them to stop with their petty bickering but did they listen? No. When we threatened to lock them up under lock and key, what did they do? They laughed and called us on our bluff. Which takes us to this moment. A month by themselves will be just the thing they need to get all this hostility out of their systems."  
  
The smaller one also took her balaclava off and shook her short, blue hair. She looked unconvinced. "But Green Giant...what are they gonna eat?"  
  
"Phew! These things are damn hot!" The tallest one pulled the wool mask covering her face and smiled as she felt the cool ocean breeze ruffling her ponytail. "Don't worry about the food, Balls. Alpha Dog and Mellow Yellow came out here two days ago and stocked up the cave with food and stuff. Although, with those two, you never know..."  
  
As if on cue, two flashes of light were seen from a speedboat docked offshore. The black-haired girl scowled. "C'mon you two. Alpha Dog's getting impatient. Help me get these two out of the sacks."  
  
"Aye aye, Red Hots." The girl known as Green Giant jovially saluted and went to her work, untying the rope holding the larger sack closed. He had put up quite a struggle before he was knocked out with a well-placed blow to the back of the head with a cast-iron frying pan. She was quite impressed with Blue Balls for hitting him hard enough to knock him out without drawing any blood.  
  
Blue Balls and Red Hots opened the smaller bundle and dumped a small blonde girl out of the sack. Her hair, which had reached the backs of her calves only a few hours before, was now cut to her shoulders.   
  
"Red, was it really necessary to cut her hair like this?" Blue asked anxiously. She lifted up two braids lying at the bottom of the sack under the unconscious girls' feet.  
  
Red Hots snickered. "No, but it sure was fun." She blushed as Blue Balls crossed her arms across her chest. "I did her a favour, Blue. She had too many split ends."  
  
The light flashed again, only this time it was accompanied by two sharp blasts of an air horn. The girls exchanged looks of annoyance and pulled the bodies further up the shore. After having taken care of...er, some minor details that had them blushing to the roots of their hair but grinning wickedly all the same, they dashed back to the beach and hopped into the rowboat.  
  
"You know, it's gonna be awful quiet in Juuban without the constant background noise that is Usagi-chan and Mamoru-san arguing as usual," Blue Balls commented almost a little wistfully. She paused, thinking about the past few months and shrugged. "Oh well, I guess I'll just have to deal."  
  
"It won't be easy, but somehow I'll manage," Red Hots added dramatically, letting go of an oar momentarily to place a hand over her heart. Green Giant kicked her in the shin when the oar almost fell into the water. "OW! That hurt, you ass-sniffing whore!"  
  
Green Giant laughed out loud, reveling in the fact that Red Hots would soon have a blackish purple bruise to match her hair. She smiled unrepentantly. "Sorry bout that. Blame it on my reflexes." They rowed in silence, fighting against the current. "Remind me to kick Alpha Dog in his nut sack when we get back to the boat. I'll bet you anything he's just sitting on his ass, making out with Mellow Yellow."  
  
"You're just jealous, GG. You know you wanted him first," taunted Red, still sore about her sore shin.   
  
"Oh shut up you two-day old puddle of piss! And don't talk as if you didn't want Mamoru," retorted Green Giant, daring her to deny it when everyone knew that she had had his picture scanned onto a pair of her panties. She got that picture by hiding behind a tree for two hours, waiting for Mamoru to jog by. He almost punched her lights out when she popped out and snapped a photo just as he poured water on his sweaty self. It was Usagi's lame excuse that had saved Rei's ass from being beaten to a bloody pulp; she told Mamoru that she had wanted to test the powers of voodoo by sticking needles in his eyes. Hey, it was lame and the three of them knew it. Mamoru threw the girls one of his 'Sure, and I'm Tuxedo Kamen' looks and jogged away, but not before pulling on Usagi's pigtail.   
  
Red Hots, recalling that embarrassing moment, responded in the only manner she knew how: she blew a raspberry with all her might, her tongue flapping proudly in the wind.  
  
And so, the three co-conspirators rowed away from the island, unbeknownst to the two people asleep in each other's arms...  
  
  
Chapter 1  
  
Usagi stirred under the bedspread, wondering why her mattress had suddenly turned rock-hard in the middle of the night. She lay on her back, keeping her eyes closed, hoping that Luna hadn't noticed she was already awake and would begin nagging her to go to school.   
  
'It's so hot,' she thought, throwing off the covers and opening her eyes only to close them again to block out the harsh light of the sun. 'What the fuck? Where did my roof go?'   
  
A seagull flew above her head, squawking in the annoying way only seagulls knew how, before diving into the ocean that was looming in Usagi's peripheral vision. Usagi dug her knuckles into her eyes furiously, trying to rub the sleep out of them. She opened her eyes, knowing full well that she would find herself back in her room, in her nice, cozy bed, with the most annoying cat in the world preaching the importance of waking up early and eating a well-balanced breakfast.   
  
The same seagull soared past her vision only this time carrying a small fish in its mouth...  
  
And suddenly, she realized that she wasn't in her room and she wasn't sleeping in her bed. She turned her head slowly, almost afraid of what she would find.   
  
"OH MY GOD!" she shrieked, scrambling out of what she now identified as Mina's double sleeping bag, the Sailor V insignia giving it away immediately. She paused mid-shriek, wondering what on earth Mina needed a double sleeping bag for. Serena made a mental note to ask Mina about that when she saw her-that is, after she finished the massive attack she would launch on her former friend's ass.  
  
"Who pulled the fire alarm?" mumbled Mamoru sleepily from beneath the sleeping bag. His head emerged, his eyes covered in a braided yellow rope. "What the fuck is this?" he grumbled, yanking it off and throwing it down on the sand. That was when he noticed her standing there, gaping at him. "What're you doing in my room, Odango?"   
  
"Look around, stupid. We're not in Tokyo anymore." Usagi gestured around her wildly. Mamoru's eyes widened, but it wasn't in astonishment of the scenery she was pointing at. In fact, his eyes never moved from the moment he saw her. "What the hell are you looking at?" she snapped.  
  
"You're-you're naked." It was Usagi's turn for her eyes to widen as she looked down to verify his words. She screamed and attempted to pull the sleeping bag away from Mamoru before screaming again.   
  
"You're naked too!"  
  
Mamoru opened his mouth in a wordless scream and violently yanked away the sleeping bag from Usagi's clutches. They both stared at each other as they each held a corner until Usagi noticed that a small package (not what you're thinking) had fallen out of the sleeping bag.   
  
Without warning, she let go of her side, causing Mamoru to tumble over backwards on the sand. Mamoru, grimacing at the thought of having sand up his butt-crack, stood up and covered his private area with BOTH hands. Mamoru smirked proudly at the thought before joining Usagi on the sleeping bag, their nakedness forgotten for the moment.  
  
"What's that you got there?" he asked. Usagi looked ready to retort with her usual brand of sarcasm but thought better of it when Mamoru sat down beside her, naked as the day he was born. She blushed and looked away, but not before stealing a glance at Mamoru's...hands.  
  
'Rats,' she thought. She opened the bundle up and peered inside. "Let's see. Look, there's a note!" She snatched the piece of paper from the plastic bag and unfolded it.  
  
"What does it say?" Usagi cast him an annoyed stare.   
  
"I was just about to read it out loud so if you could shut your pie-hole, I'd be much obliged." Mamoru rolled his eyes but said nothing, motioning her to continue. Usagi cleared her throat and began to read. "'Dear guys, well, I guess by now, you've both discovered that you're all alone on the island with nothing but the bare necessities.'"  
  
Mamoru snorted. "Motoki," he uttered under his breath before turning back to his arch nemesis. "I bet you never knew your little crush was such a pun whore."  
  
Mamoru was almost positive he could see steam coming out of her ears. "I never liked him _that_ way, baka! He's going out with _Mina_ so that just kills any desire I've ever had for him. He's like a brother to me!" She narrowed her eyes into slits and went back to the letter. "Anyway, as I was saying before I was so _rudely_ interrupted, 'dear guys, blah, blah, blah...ah yes. If you look in the bag, there's some stuff we thought you'd need but use them sparingly, you're stuck on that island for a month.'"   
  
She paused, going over what she just read. "A MONTH?!?!?!"   
  
She jumped up and shook her fist toward the sea. "Damn you Motoki! You stupid, smelly cow face! When I see you again, you better pray Mamoru holds me back because I'm gonna castrate you and stuff your severed appendage up your ASS!"  
  
"I'm afraid I can't hold you back, Odango, because I want some ass-kicking action myself." Mamoru stood up and faced the sea as well. "And when I'm done with Motoki, I'm gonna turn to your hell raiser friends and make sure they die virgins, although I'm not too sure about your girlfriend. I've read stories about her plastered all over the men's washroom wall at your arcade, you horny bastard!"  
  
"Me too! She may be my friend, but she's a slut! You hear me, Aino Minako? A SLUT!!"  
  
When she finished her futile name-calling, (she knew Mina wasn't the slut written about on the walls for she had snuck in there one day and written them herself to be directed at a girl she didn't particularly like) Usagi turned to Mamoru, realizing that a new understanding had been forged between them. Since they were stuck on this god-forsaken island for a month, they would have to rely upon each other to get them through it so that they wreak vengeance on their so-called friends.   
  
Usagi solemnly stuck her hand out and Mamoru shook it, knowing instinctively what it was he was agreeing to.   
  
"Let's see what else is in that bag," he suggested after repressing his murderous rage. They walked back to the fallen bag and peered inside. Mamoru lifted up a skimpy scrap of cloth and stared at it dubiously. "What the _hell_ is this?"  
  
Usagi glanced at the letter before choking out a laugh. "Apparently, it's a loincloth for you."  
  
"For me?" Mamoru squeaked. He knew some men liked to wear such things and he thought of himself as an open-minded individual but he was Tuxedo Kamen, dammit! He had a reputation of sexiness and mystique that he had to maintain, confound it! The cheesy, faux fur, leopard-print loincloth just didn't say 'I can kick ass without breaking a sweat and still look good enough to take you dancing.' He lifted up the loincloth in distaste and looked at the heavens. Didn't his heroic deeds count for _something_?   
  
"Hey, what are you going to wear? You can't walk around here naked for a month, although I sure as hell wouldn't mind. Who knew you had that much breast under that uniform?" Usagi gave an outraged gasp and hid behind the plastic bag.  
  
"And who knew you had so little to hide under those lavender pants?" she retorted. They exchanged looks of pure venom until Usagi took a deep breath, silently telling herself to be the better person and call a truce. "Ok, let's get our priorities straight. If we kill each other now, we won't be able to kill Motoki and the girls. We've gotta work together if we want them dead and roasting in the fiery depths of hell where they belong."  
  
Mamoru looked at her admiringly. "I like the way you think, Odango." He pulled out a string bikini. "I'm guessing this is yours," he said dryly.  
  
They started pulling out more things from the bag. "Oh, those bastards," fumed Usagi, holding up one roll of toilet paper. "At least it's two ply."  
  
"We're gonna have to stretch that roll out to last us a month. Maybe we could pull it apart so that it becomes one ply." Usagi looked like she wanted to cry for a second before she gulped and smiled weakly. She pulled out a toothbrush.  
  
"Where's the other one? And where's the toothpaste?" She searched through the bag and came up with nothing. "I HATE THIS!"  
  
That was when Mamoru noticed something different about Usagi. No, it wasn't the fact that she was sitting in front of him, naked as can be; it was something else. His eyes widened. "Oh my God, Odango! Those whores cut your hair!"  
  
She gasped and turned her head to look at her shoulder. Sure enough, her hair had been ruthlessly chopped to just brush the nape of her neck. Tears welled up in her eyes as she thought of the hair she had been growing since she was a little girl. They spilled over as she thought about Sailor Moon without her famous odangos. Would Tuxedo Kamen recognize her without them?   
  
"Rei did this," she whispered, knowing that the raven-haired girl was responsible for committing this heinous act. "She's always been jealous of my hair. I hate her. I HATE YOU, HINO REI!" She collapsed against Mamoru, forgetting that he, too, was her enemy. He patted her back consolingly and let her cry for her hair. It was a shame too; he had always loved her hair and loved teasing her about it even more. "I'm not Odango anymore," she sobbed.  
  
"Of course you are. You'll always be Odango to me."   
  
"I will?"  
  
"Yes. I can't think of you without the words Odango Atama coming to mind."  
  
"I don't know if this is a good thing, or a bad thing."  
  
"It's a thing, that's enough. Do you feel better now?"  
  
"No." Usagi picked up the fallen braid that Mamoru had discarded and found the other one inside their sleeping bag. "I won't be happy until this," she pulled the braids taut, "is wrapped securely around Rei's neck and she's turning a lovely shade of blue from lack of oxygen."  
  
"I'll lend you a hand when the time comes." Mamoru rooted through the bag and held up a TV Guide. "Those sons of bitches," he breathed incredulously.  
  
"What's that?"  
  
"It's this month's TV Guide. This is Motoki's doing, that apron-wearing cow. He knows there was a documentary on The Discovery Channel about amoebas that I wanted to watch this month." He flipped through the pages before throwing it down in rage. "I HATE YOU MOTOKIIIIIII!!!" he shouted to the sky.  
  
Usagi stifled a giggle and looked down at the discarded TV Guide. Sure enough, Amoebas: The Underrated Organism was encircled with a bold, red marker. A thought struck her and she picked up the TV Guide and followed Mamoru's example.   
  
What she saw made her bite her lip to hold back the expletives threatening to burst forth. Crazy Fun Challenge Hour, a program she had been longing to see since its conception the summer before, was outlined in orange marker.  
  
"MINAAAAAA!!!" She dashed to the beach and dove into the waves, ignoring the cold water as it washed over her body. She barely registered the fact that Mamoru dove in after her and was pulling her back to shore.   
  
"I'm gonna get you for this Mina! I know this crazy scheme was your idea!" Usagi shouted to some unknown point on the horizon. Mamoru had to duck her flying arms before finally managing to pin them to her sides.  
  
"Calm down, Odango! We'll get them soon enough!" He tossed her the string bikini. "Here, put this on behind that bush and I'll put this piece of crap behind that one."  
  
Usagi and Mamoru went to their designated bushes to change, although neither saw the point as the items they were changing into could fit into Usagi's tiny fist. Mamoru could see Usagi struggling to tie the bikini around her back through the leaves and shook his head, blocking out the mental pictures. Well, they were more like memories because he's already seen her wares and he liked. He looked down. Oh boy, did he like.  
  
'Think pure thoughts, think pure thoughts,' he chanted mentally. He used his right foot to scratch his left calf absentmindedly. He glanced down at the leopard print loincloth. He was _definitely_ gonna have to kill Motoki for this. He scratched his calf again.  
  
'What the hell is that?' he wondered when he felt a searing heat shoot up his leg and blanched. Hordes of red ants were trailing up both his legs, occasionally stopping to take a bite. "ANTS!" he screeched, briskly trying to brush them off. Of course, the tenacious little devils only took that opportunity to migrate to his arms and hung on for the ride by using their surprisingly sharp teeth.   
  
Usagi snapped her head up just as Mamoru ran screaming at the top of his lungs towards the water. 'What's his problem?' She finished the last knot and followed him to investigate.  
  
"Die, you motherfuckers!" Mamoru was rolling around in the shallow water. Usagi just gaped at him, wondering if she was going to have to spend an entire month with a schizophrenic.   
  
Mamoru finally emerged from the water with the sourest expression on his face. "What happened?" Usagi questioned.  
  
"Ants."  
  
"Ants?"  
  
"Ants. I was changing behind a bush that conveniently hid an anthill full of the little bastards. I'm almost convinced their Motoki the Wonder Cow put it there with me in mind." Mamoru paused in his tirade to scratch his arms, which only looked slightly better than his legs. She turned around so Mamoru wouldn't see her laughing, but it was no use.  
  
"HAHAHAHA!!" The tears streamed from her eyes and she leaned on a tree balance. "It's a good thing that loincloth repelled them from your 'package.' Oh no, maybe it wasn't the loincloth's doing; it was the smell."  
  
"Oh I wouldn't be making fun of _my_ outfit if I were you, Odango."  
  
"What's that supposed to mean?"  
  
"Only that your string bikini has more string in it than it does bikini. Were you aware that you're wearing a thong? Oh wait, it's not a thong; your ass crack's just eating up the rest of your bikini bottoms."   
  
Usagi turned around slowly and cast him a sly grin. "Oh course it's a thong. The girls know that I wear thongs constantly." She winked cheekily at his astonished face. "They make me feel naughty."  
  
Mamoru gulped. "Oh yeah, then how come I've never seen those thongs whenever I looked up your skirt?"  
  
Usagi's face turned red from a mixture of embarrassment and anger. "YOU ECCHI, NO-GOOD HENTAI!"   
  
"ME? I'm not a hentai! I was just saying that to provoke you and as usual, you took the bait. You really are an Odango."  
  
Usagi screamed in rage and lunged at Mamoru, only to trip over an exposed root. She fell and grabbed the first thing she saw: Mamoru's loincloth. Usagi lay facedown on the hot sand, clutching the tiny cloth in her hand.   
  
"Uggh," she groaned. She saw Mamoru step closer to her and leaned down slightly. The sun was behind him, casting Mamoru in a dark shadow.  
  
"Here, let me help you up," he said tiredly, stretching his hand out to her.  
  
Without thinking, Usagi reached up blindly and took hold of what she thought was his hand and pulled herself up.   
  
"EEEEAAAAHHHH!" Mamoru sure had a pair of vocal chords on him. Usagi's eyes widened as she saw exactly _what_ it was she was holding onto. Her face turned several shades of red and she dropped IT immediately.  
  
"I'm sorry Mamoru, I thought that was your hand," she explained, not taking her eyes off IT. They were locked in a staring contest, IT winning because of ITS magical hypnotic powers. Again, without thinking, she bent down to get a closer look.   
  
"Uh, do you _mind_?" Usagi noticed that Mamoru had turned beet red and was frowning intently, as if he was in pain.   
  
"Oh sorry," she mumbled and looked away. An evil thought struck her and before she lost her nerve, decided to act on it.   
  
With panther-like strides, she advanced on Mamoru, who at the moment, looked like a scared gazelle separated from its herd.   
  
"What are you thinking, Odango?" he asked nervously. She grinned, he gulped.  
  
"Me?" Usagi ran her index finger down Mamoru's chest and leaned closer so that her mouth was right up to his ear. "Are you sure you wanna know?"  
  
Mamoru fought to suppress the shiver that wanted to run down his spine. So, the little girl wanted to play. He'll show Odango what happens to people who tease. He pulled her closer to him, enjoying the shocked gasp that escaped her lips. She obviously wasn't expecting him to do that.  
  
"I think I have a good idea," he murmured, nuzzling her ear. His hand trailed down to her bikini bottoms and played with the waistband. He almost laughed when he felt Usagi tremble.   
  
"Uh, Mamoru, what're you doing?" Her voice shook unmistakably.   
  
"This." In one swift move, Mamoru pulled the waistband an inch away from her skin and snapped it.  
  
"OW!"   
  
(CR: if I made her thong break, she'd have to go commando all month and that's just yucky. Imagine all that sand going up her hootchy. LS: *dies laughing* Commandddoooo? bwhahhaa)  
  
Mamoru threw back his head and laughed maniacally. Usagi fumed, rubbing her offended bottom and kicked sand at him. When that did nothing to stop his laughter, she picked up a thick, brown vine that she saw out of the corner of her eye to whip him with.  
  
Usagi almost crowed in triumph when she saw Mamoru's eyes widen in terror. She whirled the vine confidently above her head, satisfied that the heavy weight would turn Mamoru's loincloth-covered ass redder than Mars' fuku.  
  
"Usagi! Are you stupid or something? Put that snake down!"  
  
Usagi blanched and snuck a glance at the 'vine' in her hand. She blinked, wondering for a brief second why said vine had two slits resembling eyes and a tiny, forked tongue darting in and out of its mouth. The distinct hiss immediately answered all of Usagi's questions and she hurled it away from her, almost hitting Mamoru in the face as it flew past.  
  
Once again, Mamoru erupted in a high-pitched scream, and without thinking, gathered their plastic bag of useless crap and his loincloth-although he was sorely tempted to leave that particular item behind to fend for itself-threw Usagi over his shoulder and ran for dear life. The disgruntled snake took one look at them (well, maybe not look because snakes can't see but you get the idea) and slithered back under the rock he called home.  
  
"MAMORU, PUT ME DOWN!" Usagi screeched, thoroughly enjoying the way Mamoru's butt muscles clenched as he ran. 'You could bounce a feather off that ass,' she thought, pondering over how he had managed to acquire such a fine piece of ass seemingly overnight-not that she ever checked before, of course. Normally, she wasn't a ass person but she had to admit that if she ever was, Mamoru's ass had set the standard for all asses. Maybe the lavender pants distracted her from...appreciating his assets. She smiled childishly at the pun.   
  
Mamoru, totally winded from his run, stopped when he saw a cave looming from behind some trees. He set Usagi down on her feet, ignoring the exasperated "humph" from the petite girl whom he knew could cause more damage to his mental state than listening to an entire collection of Celine Dion's repertoire.   
  
"Hey, what's that?" Usagi wondered, belatedly pointing to the cave. He supposed he couldn't blame her for not seeing the cave beforehand, seeing as how she was being carried upside down and all, but it was still fun to try.   
  
"Barbie's Dream House," he replied sarcastically, rolling his eyes for good measure. Ah, that's the stuff.   
  
"Bite me."  
  
"Don't say it if you don't mean it." Usagi narrowed her eyes dangerously and yanked the note away from his hands as he struggled to put the loincloth back on. She hoped she just gave him the mother of all paper cuts and that it would fester into one of those huge, pus-filled balls of grossness one couldn't help but pick, despite warnings not to do so. Was it possible to die from a paper cut? Usagi fervently hoped so, so she could snack on his carcass guilt-free while she waited for THEM to come get her at month's end.  
  
"It says here that those traitors have stocked a cave full of stuff to live on for the month," she said, eyes scanning the note and not on how strapping Mamoru looked in his little outfit, emphasis being on little.  
  
"This must be it, then. C'mon, let's have a look around,." Mamoru said, leading the way. It was just like Mamoru to pull the caveman routine on her, especially now that he was dressed like Tarzan. Perhaps the loincloth had its drawbacks after all.   
  
Inside, they found a flat, rock platform , almost like an altar, they supposed would double as their bed and table for the duration of their stay. At the foot of the "bed" was a wooden chest full of what looked like a change of clothing. Grinning, they dashed to the box and dug out its contents. Perhaps Motoki and the girls had decided to show them mercy after all by leaving them something decent to wear.  
  
Usagi and Mamoru scowled as they each held up a shirt and realized that no, their "friends" had not decided to show them mercy after all.   
  
Usagi held up a small, white shirt obviously meant for her, with an airbrushed, big-breasted, woman's body from the neck down, clad in a bikini resembling her own. It looked like the sort of tacky thing she would see American tourists wearing on the beach about an hour's drive from her home. (CR: I don't know if there is a beach near Tokyo or not, so reality can just kiss my ass if there isn't; LS: Yup. And mine, too, for good measure) She sighed and pulled the ugly shirt over her head, vowing to Moon Tiara Magic her senshi the next time she saw them.   
  
Beside her, Mamoru had already slipped his T-shirt on. Unlike Usagi's shirt, his had what looked to be English words on the front, the only picture being an arrow pointing at her, coincidentally. Luckily for Motoki and his co-conspirators, Usagi couldn't read English and therefore wasn't offended at the "I'm with Stupid" slogan emblazoned on the front. Luckily for Mamoru, he could, and relished a smile at the unwitting girl's expense.  
  
"What does it say?" Usagi asked innocently. The innocent expression on her face had Mamoru grasping for an answer to spare her feelings.  
  
"Er...it says 'This way for a good time,'" he supplied lamely.  
  
Usagi craned her neck in the direction the arrow was pointing. "I don't get it. Stupid American T-shirts."  
  
Mamoru fought to suppress the laugh bubbling up inside of him. "Yeah. Stupid...shirts." They both laughed at the sheer stupidity of some people, Mamoru harder than Usagi, who was really beginning to wonder if her companion was right in the head.  
  
When they finally calmed down, they took another look around the cave. Apparently, all did not seem as lost as they had previously thought. Someone had graciously lined the back wall with enough canned food to last a year, obviously anticipating Usagi's healthy appetite. Speaking of appetites...  
  
"I'm hungry; let's eat!" Mamoru groaned when he heard Usagi's stomach rumble.   
  
"If you haven't noticed, we have to stay here for a month so that means we have to ration this food carefully. I know it looks like there's enough to feed an army, but I'd like to get a few bites in there before you inhale everything in one sitting, you know."  
  
Usagi stuck her tongue out. "Meanie. C'mon, bust open a can so we can eat. I haven't eaten anything since yesterday at the arcade-which I am NEVER going to set foot in, ever again!" She thrust a fist out and struck a pose meant to convey the seriousness of her vow. She just looked like an American tourist with big boobs.  
  
"Look around for the can opener and then we can eat," Mamoru ordered, beginning to search for himself. They searched the cave, and, while coming up with a few useful things that would later prove useful, such as a lantern and matches, the can opener continued to elude them.   
  
Finally, after a half hour wasted combing through the tiny cave that would've taken all but five minutes to familiarize oneself with, they gave up the search and sat down dejectedly on the platform.   
  
(CR: this is for you, LS-frankly, I was too damn tired to make up my own shit so I performed some cut and paste magic; LS: Cut and paste is a godsend from . . . GOD . . . *gasps*)  
  
Looking at the cans of food stacked up neatly against the wall, she looked up at Mamoru's sullen form. No can opener meant no food. Damnation. "What are we gonna eat?" she wondered dismally.  
  
Mamoru turned to her and raised an eyebrow. "If we had some fava beans and a chianti, I could eat your liver."  
  
Usagi's eyes grew as big as she could possibly make them, stepping away from him. "You're not going to turn into a cannibal, are you?" She looked ready to bolt at any moment, her hands in a defensive mode, although she herself had thoughts lingering on cannibalism a few moments before they entered the cave. Sue her.  
  
Throwing his head back and clutching his roaring stomach full of laughter, he didn't bother to contain his smile. "Am I going to turn into a cannibal?!" He laughed some more for good measure. "Ha-Hannibal Lector said that in the Silence of the Lambs, Usagi."  
  
Seeing her relax a little, he continued to laugh. It was too easy sometimes.   
  
"I hate this," Usagi whined. "I'm gonna kill those bastards when we get back."  
  
"Save some for me, Odango. Motoki's a dead man once I set foot on Tokyo soil again." Usagi held up a hand.  
  
"Please, don't even say that jerk's name around me. We should make up a code name for them so we could refrain from having to foul our lips by uttering their names."  
  
Darien smirked. He didn't think he'd ever hear the words "refrain," "foul," and "uttering" from Usagi, much less have them said by her in the same sentence. Will wonders never cease. "Well, Mot-I mean, the Jerk, is a smelly, cow-"  
  
"A stinky cow," she interrupted.  
  
"Er, yes, a stinky cow. And your friends deserve to rot in hell for blindly following him--"  
  
"Yes, nothing but the worst lot of she-devils that ever walked the earth..."  
  
"So..."  
  
"How about Moomoo Stink and the Hell Raisers?" Usagi exclaimed, clapping her hands with glee. Mamoru thought about it. Moomoo Stink _did_ have a certain whimsical feel that only the biggest butt-heads in the world would find amusing, not knowing that it was being directed at them. And Hell Raisers _did_ fit the bill for those... "girls."   
  
He nodded and smiled. "It sounds like a now-defunct 80s band."  
  
Usagi cocked her head to the side, testing out the sound of the new names. "You're right, it does." They laughed evilly, discussing ways of killing the group.   
  
Mamoru held up a box of crackers, pretending it was a milk carton, waving it in front of a hysterical Usagi. "Have you seen Moomoo Stink? He's been missing for a few days now and his cohorts are terribly worried about his safety. He's been spotted wearing an oversized apron over practically EVERYTHING and some speculate that he has no hands because he's always stuffing them in his apron pockets. He also answers to the name Furuhata Motoki, but he has also been known to be called 'everyone's butt-monkey' by his close friends. If you see him, please call Tsukino Usagi and Chiba Mamoru immediately. Only professionals should apprehend this dangerous farm animal because he can and will get dangerous when cornered."  
  
Usagi laughed until her sides hurt. She didn't know the uptight Mamoru could be this funny. She placed the blame on the Astroturf-green jacket. Anybody would be uptight with that piece of crap hanging in his or her closet. (CR: feel free to include your own disses about MS and the HR cuz I can't remember them; LS: er, okay. But how can I top the Astroturf-green jacket? *hmrphs* CR: lazy bastard. You just don't want to write)  
  
All that laughing made Mamoru thirsty. He swept his eyes around the cave for bottled water and wasn't surprised that he couldn't find any. Motoki was going to find himself a eunuch very soon. Tuxedo Kamen would see to it.   
  
"We should go see if there are any freshwater streams around here," he said, wiping the tears of mirth from his eyes. If he EVER saw Motoki again in his lifetime, it would be too soon. Usagi nodded, and together, they left the cave to explore the tiny island that looked to be about the size of four football fields. (Is that big enough for bears and alligators to coexist, or should it be bigger? LS: Do we really care? Let's put an elephant in later for good measure) Sure enough, they came across a stream that looked to be safe for drinking after a few minutes of looking.  
  
"Hey Mamoru, last one in's a rotten egg!" Before Mamoru could blink, Usagi dashed from his side and jumped into the steam, laughing and shrieking childishly. "Come on in, Mamoru! The water feels great!"  
  
"Yeah, just a sec, Odango. Let me just check the area out." Usagi rolled her eyes and continued to splash around happily. She was convinced that Mamoru had a huge stick up his ass. They found the stream, didn't they, so what more was he looking for?  
  
Mamoru walked a few feet away from the little Odango, knowing that she thought he had a stick up his ass. Oh well. Better to be safe than sorry, he always thought. If Usagi would prefer to-  
  
An ear-piercing scream cut off his bitter thoughts and he immediately sprang into action. What could Usagi have gotten herself into _this_ time? He froze, seeing what had Usagi so scared. Hell, it even scared him, and he was Tuxedo Kamen!  
  
It was an alligator and it was just a few feet away from her.   
  
"Usagi, don't move!" He ran towards the riverbank and grabbed a fallen tree limb.  
  
"Don't worry, it's pretty safe to say that I'm not going anywhere," she called back weakly, never taking her eyes off her predator.  
  
Feeling his Tuxedo Kamen senses kick in, Mamoru leapt atop a large boulder and twirled the tree limb in his hand like would if it were his cane. "Attacking an innocent swimmer while she's enjoying one of nature's hidden treasures, this freshwater stream, is despicable, even for a lowly creature such as yourself. I, Chiba Mamoru, will not forgive you!"  
  
Usagi's eyes widened and, despite her better judgment, whirled her head around to gape at Mamoru. "What the fuck? Who the hell does this pompous ass think he is, Tuxedo Kamen?"  
  
Mamoru gripped the staff in both hands and used it as a makeshift pole vault to fly through the air, landing on the astonished alligator. If it was possible for an alligator to jump three feet into the air, then this alligator just _might_ have accomplished that feat. The alligator did a barrel roll in a futile attempt to make Mamoru loose his footing. Thanks to his mad lamppost-balancing skills, Mamoru was able to ride that gator like a logger riding a...well, log.   
  
"Hold it right there!" Mamoru finally lost his footing at the sound of Usagi's voice and fell into the water. He immediately scrambled up to higher ground and spun around to see Usagi, perched upon the same rock he stood on, in a classic Sailor Moon pose: arms stretched above her head and legs spread in an entirely innocent, and not at all kinky, way.   
  
'What the fuck? Who the hell does that airhead think she is, Sailor Moon?' Mamoru and Usagi jumped at the same time, attacking the bewildered animal from both sides. They wrestled, rolled, hit, punched and bit their way to whooping that alligator's scaly ass.   
  
Thirty sweat-filled, bloody minutes later, the alligator floated upside down in the stream and Mamoru and Usagi lay flat on their backs in the mud, dirty, but victorious.   
  
"Did you see the way I pummeled that gator until he was seeing stars?" asked Usagi tiredly.  
  
"Yeah. Did you see the way I hit him right between the eyes with that stick? Genius in motion, I tell you!"  
  
Usagi snickered and sat up in the mud, suddenly recalling something. "Hey Mamoru, what was with the corny speech? You have Tuxedo Kamen envy or something?" she asked teasingly.  
  
Mamoru reddened, although it wasn't very noticeable under the thick layer of mud on his face. "Uh, yeah, that's it. I have the cape, mask and everything." Annoyed that Usagi was laughing at his alter ego, Mamoru narrowed his eyes and grinned. "What about you, Odango? Are you Sailor Moon-lighting these days?"  
  
Usagi choked between laughs, the gears in her mind spinning out an answer, albeit slowly. "Ha, ha, very funny Mamoru-baka. As if Sailor Moon's as clumsy as me."   
  
It was as if the dim light bulb that had been flickering off and on in their heads had finally been fixed and realization flickered like the ethereal glow of a florescent light.   
  
"Oh my GOD!" they screamed at the same time.   
  
Usagi pointed an accusing finger at Mamoru at the same time he pointed his at her. "You're Tuxedo Kamen!"  
  
"You're Sailor Moon!" Mamoru echoed. They both fell back into the mud and just stared at the sky in disbelief.   
  
Usagi sighed. Of course she _had_ to be stuck on this island with the man of her dreams, whose real identity just happened to be her biggest enemy in the world. Together, they almost got attacked by a snake and just tag-teamed an alligator to death. And it wasn't even lunchtime yet. One down, twenty-nine days to go.  
  
"What else can go wrong?" she voiced out loud. Mamoru could only shrug in reply, somehow not at all surprised that the clumsy superhero he was sworn to protect was Usagi. Well, once the initial sensation of a boot smacking through his chest and stomping all over his heart was over, he was fine. Really. And to think this was only the first day. He reviewed his day thus far. Well, he was attacked by heroin-addicted ants, almost bitten by a flying snake, had taught an alligator a valuable lesson about swimming in the same stream he wanted to swim in; he guessed finding out that Usagi was Sailor Moon was just icing on the cake.   
  
And it was only the first of many days on this island. Whoopee.  
  
  
CR: that's all I can write. If you feel the need to add any more stuff, be my guest.  
LS: I believe I will. Thanks for the invite. *grins* Okay, smart ass I am. Dude, the little author notes are almost as funny as the story CR: Geniuses at work, I say) 


	2. LS's Author Notes of a Confused Nature

LS's Author's notes of a confused nature  
10/11/02  
  
o.O Apparently, on my computer, CR's computer, and my roomamte's comp,   
our story is not showing up on the AnimeSailor Moon page, confusing us   
to no end because we *HAVE* received 6 reviews. O.o *enter twilight music*  
(and yes, it *does* say Sailor Moon on the sub-category of Anime, I made sure).  
Don't worry, I'm calling the proper authorities. We have an inkling that   
maybe Neo the PHP Stalker had something to do with this, but as of this   
moment, have no proof. This is an experiment to see if it does show up.  
  
Since I'm here, I might as well add that the next chapter is in the   
works and will be posted soon. How soon, it's up to me, actually, but   
I didn't say that. My email is crystal_rose81@hotmail.com if you have  
anything negative to say, and ladyjsolo@hotmail.com if you want to publish  
it widely and/or shower our genius with praises, compliments, and if you're   
rich, money.   
  
*runs when she sees CR* Just . . . experimenting, dear, dear generous and  
non-violent CR . . . *fades as she runs away* 


	3. CR's Author Notes That Barely Hide Her M...

AN: this is just a test of the emergency broadcast system. Actually, I'm posting this AN to see if I could magically make this story reappear.   
  
*calls upon her mad powers and says the magic words*  
  
FAAK YOU FFN! GIVE US BACK OUR STORY!  
  
*nothing happens*  
  
*shakes fist at the devil-child that is FFN*  
  
*sigh*  
  
No new chapter yet-sorry folks. LS and I were just wondering where the hell our story goes after we send it in.   
  
*Kicks and stabs FFN in the nut sack for making our story disappear*  
  
Faakin site! I swear to god, why is it only affecting OUR story? If you can see this story, for goodness' sakes, review it. Flames are to be directed to LS, aka Ladysolo, author of Merletto and letters of praise can be sent to me, crystal rose, author of Wounded Souls.   
  
*shakes FFN by the collar*  
  
Show me the story! Show me the story!  
  
...  
  
FAAK YOU TOO! 


	4. Chapter 2

LS: Okay, so I was the one that was holding up the story. I admit it. I'm not scared of any of you, ANYWAY! It's not like you can _actually_ hurt me! *insert 'laughs-in-the-face-of-danger' laugh and promptly gets a concrete donkey thrown at her*   
CR: Thanks LA!   
LS: Disclaimers blow harder than Monica Lewinski and I think you know what I'm gonna say anyway, so faak disclaimers. It's not like anyone's _actually_ going to sue me. O_o Watch me get sued now. _ . . . _ . . . _O . . . *ahem* idonotownsailormoonandneitherdoescrsoyeah. -_-;;;;  
CR: Yeah! You faakin lawyers can just kiss my rice-eating, porn-watching and/or participating, Asian ass!  
LS: Oh, buckets still needed for this chapter. *winks*  
  
Chapter 2  
Something woke Usagi with a start, causing her to sit up instinctively. Her eyes adjusted to the light seeping in the cave . . . cave?! Her first coherent thought was 'motherfucker' along with a few other expletives (LS: is that what I want? CR: No, you did not want whatever you just typed there) that would make Ozzy Osbourne look like Mother Teresa. She and Mamoru were still trapped on this island-and so far, only a week had passed. She had resorted to calling this stupid island the 'pit of Lucifer's toilet' a few days earlier, finding 'hell-hole' and 'shitty' too cliché to correctly illustrate her exact feelings.   
  
They had somehow been living on this tinier-than-her-closet island, and to both their complete and utter surprise, had found that they had not killed each other yet. She didn't know whether it was because then they'd be stuck on the island alone, thus being further thrust into the dark depths of insanity, or if they were actually able to tolerate each other now.   
  
She heard a seagull call and immediately cursed to herself again. It was probably that same damn seagull she heard every morning, the same she had seen her first moments conscious on this thoughts-of-suicide inducing island. She could remember lucid conversations with her friends of "If you could be stuck on an island with one man, who would it be?" to which she would reply dreamily, "Tuxedo Kamen." Well, looks like she got her damn wish, which just proved the old adage, "Be careful what you wish for, it may come true." Goddamn adage. Goddamn meddling friends. Goddamn stupid island.   
  
She fell back down her makeshift bed consisting of soup can labels. So what if they didn't know what they were eating before they pried the can open-she had a nice comfy bed of sanitary soup labels which was a hell of a lot better than palm fronds and the stupid fire ants that seem to dominate the island. (After Mamoru's little incident with the ants behind the bush, they soon realized the little bastards were everywhere, stalking the two sole humans on the small island. Mamoru had the bites up and down those long sexy Tuxedo Kamen legs of his to prove it.)   
  
Sighing heavily with a dramatic flair she could have won an Oscar for, she sat back and stared at the ceiling of their crappy cave, where they had been living out of for the past week. She could just imagine her ex-friends (notice the EX in ex-friends; very important detail there) plotting for this hare-brain scheme in hushed voices while she innocently played the newest Sailor V arcade game.   
  
Usagi shook her head at her naivety-she was a flesh and blood super heroine! How did she _not_ know this was coming? And how the hell did the scouts expect for her disappearance to not go unnoticed? Surely her alter ego would be missed along with plain old klutzy Tsukino Usagi.  
  
A noise came from outside.   
  
She turned to where Mamoru's bed of soup labels was and found it empty. Usagi had thought he was sleeping. She turned her attention back to the mouth of the cave. "Mamoru-baka, is that you?"  
  
Nothing came in reply. She pushed her newly tailored alligator-hide blanket off of her and pulled her boob t-shirt over her tightly as she stood up and walked towards the outside. "Mamoru?"   
  
The noise was growing louder. She exited the cave, her curiosity taking over her as she made her way towards the beach. There really wasn't much in the way of vegetation-as in trees and such-but she couldn't see straight to the beach without her vision being blocked. "Mamooooru," she sing-sang.   
  
She stopped cold when she saw that there were liquor bottles strewn across the path they had made to the beach. Had Mamoru found a stash of liquor and gotten sloshed? As her mind ran through the possibilities of the origin of the sounds, she became increasing concerned. What if he, in a drunken stupor, drowned? What if he was dead?   
  
Something inside her fluttered. Okay, so she had to admit she was talking about Chiba Mamoru here, an insolent wench of a man who irritated her to no end, but she was also talking about Tuxedo Kamen...her hunky piece of delectable superhero taco. (CR: nice metaphor...) "Mamo-" She was just about to jog out into the beach when she was grabbed. A hand covered her mouth.  
  
"Shhh. The bears will get you." It was Mamoru's voice and it was Mamoru's body she was pressed up against, but what the hell was he talking about? Bears? What the fuck? He really _was_ drunk. At least he hadn't drowned, though. Being paranoid about bears was better any day of the week than being dead.  
  
He let her go and pressed a finger to his lips. "The bears...they're vicious. They'd stalk you until they catch you, and then will rip you limb to-thong-clad limb."  
  
Either Tuxedo Kamen was going to be admitted into a mental health hospital as soon as they got off this island or AA, (LS: *group hug*) and if she had her way, both. She stared at him like such. "Are you drunk, Mamoru?"   
  
He muffled his laugh in her very short hair, saying nothing and only pointed. Her eyes followed to where his finger was directed, wondering what he wanted her to see.   
  
Her jaw dropped.   
  
Sitting on the beach were two BEARS, one brown and one black, each surrounded by discarded bottles and each with their head back and guzzling down liquor as fast as an alcoholic in an open bar. From where she was, it looked to be Bacardi Silver for the brownish one and the black one had a bottle of dark rum.   
  
Usagi then wondered if she was hallucinating. After some pinching, kicking, and blinking exaggeratedly, she knew she wasn't seeing things. Damn, she was Sailor Moon and had seen her share of strange Negaverse youmas-her absolute favorite being Miss Manners-but drunk bears on a secluded island definitely topped the list. It was like a faaking zoo here. Next thing she'd know, she'd find out they were on Isla Sonar and fighting for their lives in Jurassic Park IV. She looked over her shoulder, expecting to see a raptor and/or a T-Rex. Why not? They had bears, alligators AND snakes.  
  
"And no, Odango, I'm not drunk. I resent that."  
  
She turned to him, her eyes wide. "Mamoru, the bears are drinking alcohol."  
  
He nodded slowly as if it was the most normal thing in the world. "Yes...."  
  
Usagi rolled her eyes and pushed his hands off of her. "How? I mean, why? I mean, HOW THE HELL DID BEARS GET THEIR HANDS ON ALCOHOL?"   
  
"I believe you mean 'paws,' not hands, Odango."   
  
She punched him in the stomach. "That _doesn't_ matter, you prissy-assed bottle of expired Viagra. What DOES matter is the fact that we have drunk bears on our island!"   
  
With a brief frown and look of pure concentration, he came to a conclusion after ignoring her concrete insult. "The evil cow, Moomoo Stink."  
  
"Motoki?" she inquired with a raised eyebrow.   
  
"It sure as hell wasn't your Hell Raising friends. They can't buy liquor." He looked at her, interested, his expression amused. "And I believe we said that _name_ was never to be uttered ever again."  
  
"I mean, uh, that stinky bastard who 'I'm going to invite to a cookout and pour ketchup all over and eat' gave bears beer?" (LS: I'm winded from that one and I only wrote it, not said it. CR: I'm long-winded from that and I just read it, not wrote or said it)  
  
Mamoru smiled at her. She had run it all into one long-sounding epithet. "Sounds like a tongue twister."  
  
"It was. It took my mad Sailor Moon linguistic skills to accomplish a tongue twister of that magnitude." She winked, "I practice in the mirror." She did her little Sailor Moon stance in passing fun but then noticed he stiffened a little at the mention of Sailor Moon. Obviously, he still was getting used to the fact that his bubbly Odango klutz was in fact the mysterious super heroine he was always rescuing.   
  
Or maybe it was the fact that she was wearing that tacky tourist super-boob shirt. At any rate, they hadn't talked about their alter egos since they first found out....  
  
The sound of something being thrown caught them both off guard. A discarded Bacardi Silver bottle left them in a classic duck-and-cover position and barely missed hitting Usagi squarely in the head, where her right Odango would have been. After a few seconds of nothing moving, they stood up slowly, checking out the surroundings.   
  
Their eyes fell to the bears....  
  
"OH sweet MOTHER of PEARL!" Usagi cried horrifically, covering her eyes immediately and burying her head into his shoulder. Mamoru just stood there, shocked-and he wasn't sure if it was because Odango's position or what the bears were now doing. It seemed that the bears decided this was the moment to try and...replicate. "Are they still...doing it, Mamoru?"  
  
BEARS were having SEX! Apparently this was the Discovery Channel's haven on this island. "We better get out of here...I don't want to know the extent of bear beer goggles." He turned and led Usagi, her head still buried in his shoulder. He placed a hand on her head expecting to feel her pigtail, but it wasn't there, jolting him a little. He had to admit that he kinda missed her Odangos, no matter how much he had made fun of them before. "I admit that I was pissed when I was going to miss my Amoeba show, but _that_ does not make up for it."  
  
After making their way back to their cave, Serena sat down on her soup-label bed, her face in deep thought. "Mamo?"   
  
He turned to her, shamelessly adjusting his loin cloth. Her eyes bugged out a little-a loin cloth _was_ a long way on the clothes spectrum from those lavender pants and Astroturf green jacket. She still hadn't got used to the skimpy piece of cloth-though she really didn't mind at all. "Yes, Odango?"  
  
Was it her or was this man getting more irritably sexy as the seconds fly by? Egad. She gulped slowly. "Where _was_ the liquor? It wasn't in this blasted cave...and we explored every inch of this island of Lucifer's toilet."  
  
He thought a second. "That _is_ a good question." He walked over to her and grabbed her hand, pulling her outside the cave once more.  
  
She rolled her eyes, ignoring where he was leading her. "Of course it's a good question. And stop calling me 'Odango,' you piece of astroturd. I told you before, and I'm sure you can see for yourself, that I no longer meet the qualifications of that pet-name." She pointed forcefully at her bobbed hair, nostrils flared. She found her eyes traveling from his face and straight to his loin cloth. "And could that dastardly loin cloth be any smaller!?"  
  
His grin unnerved her immediately as it washed across his face. "You're just lucky this dastardly loin cloth was big enough to cover my...well-endowed assets." And took the time to stop and shake his hips.  
  
"MAMORU, YOU HENTAI!" she screamed at the top of her lungs, slamming her hands on her face. 'Dear Diary, Tuxedo Kamen was wearing a loin cloth. I feel like jumping him right now. Please kill my ecchi thoughts because TUXEDO KAMEN _IS_ CHIBA MAMORU!'  
  
Mamoru's smirk unnerved her. It was like he knew what she had been thinking. "You enjoyed my little hip-shaking, Odango. Admit it!"  
  
"If I was a _HENTAI LIKE YOU_, you...you EVIL COW!"  
  
Shocked didn't even begin to explain his expression. "Y-You're calling _ME_ the evil cow now? I am _not_ the evil cow in this scenario!"  
  
She was about to retort when she spotted an old wooden chest she hadn't seen before (and awful glad for the distraction. She wasn't sure she could come up with a response to his outcry). "HARK!" she yelled loudly, scattering towards the open chest. There were claw marks on the side and a broken lock on the ground. "I take it the alcohol was in here and the bears broke into it." She reached in, carefully avoiding broken glass, coming out with an unmolested bottle of liquor.   
  
Mamoru immediately took it from her hands, leaving her in a daze. "Odango, you're underage. I think I'm going to have to drink this...to protect you from yourself."  
  
Usagi rolled her eyes blatantly, placing her hands on her hips, trying to make herself look older than she was. The image looked hilarious with the tourist boob shirt though. "It's not like I've never had alcohol before, you pigeon poop-covered statue."  
  
"So you had a half-a-glass of something before you were sloshed. Good for you. And now, I'm going to toast myself to Moomoo Stink and the Hell Raiser's demise." He opened the bottle with is strong hands and took a brief swig. "I say when we get back, we just drop them off on this very same island with NO toilet paper, NO toothbrush even in the singular, NO food, NO clothes, NO liquor, and let them survive with snakes that impersonate vines, evil alligators, and drunken bears."  
  
Usagi looked around to see if the little mother fuckers (their synonym for 'ants' now) were anywhere in sight. They weren't, so she sat down next to her almost-nekkid savior. "We can't do that, Mamo. It's not creative enough for the evil cow and his hellions. It has to be...pure revenge."  
  
He took another swig, sitting down next to her. "You got any ideas?"   
  
"You mean besides Moon Tiara-ing their asses? No. But they deserve only the best, Mamoru, only the best. They are, after all, Moomoo Stink and the Hell Raisers." His exacting grin was something that caused her to smile and laugh. "It looks like you may have a plan of revenge, though. Care to share, you devilish superhero you?"  
  
"Moto-I mean, _the evil cow_-since this was most likely his doing, along with that whore Mina, we might as well strike first with him. And I have the perfect revenge." A smile crossed his lips that admittedly made her note to herself to never piss him off. It was almost enough to make her shit in her thong. "Once a month he orders ice cream cones in bulk." The bottle kept going up towards his mouth ever-so-often, Usagi's eyes following his every moment. "And he always complains that the order number is too close to another product's order number...."  
  
She nodded, listening, knowing instinctively where he was going with this. "What's the other product?"  
  
He grinned broadly. "This is one cow who is never going to know what tipped him." He threw his head back and laughed loudly. "Super-absorbency tampons."  
  
Usagi clutched her side and literally fell over laughing. "THAT EVIL COW DESERVES IT for what he did to us!"  
  
Mamoru laughed with her too, taking another swig. "Good thing they're super absorbency too because he's one giant asshole."   
  
"AHAAAHHA! Ohhhh! Mina next, Mina next!" she bubbled over enthusiastically, rubbing her hands together at the thrill of her pure revengeful thoughts. "I can't believe I was ever friends with those shit disturbers." Her eyes narrowed and she could feel Mamoru's attention on her. "You know, she's so self-conscious about her butt getting bigger...that if I managed to occasionally switch out her underwear with smaller sizes...!"  
  
It was Mamoru's turn to laugh, holding his side as he set the liquor bottle down. "That's really good, Odango, I'm quite impressed...."  
  
"You should be. But your tampons idea is just cunningly genius...." Her hand secretively and stealthily reached for the half-empty bottle. She hadn't realized that Darien had drank that much. She got a hold on it before he noticed what she was doing.   
  
"Rather ingenious of me, eh?" A crooked smile that could be described none other than dashing crossed his lips. "I tell you, I _am_ genius in motion."  
  
"You mentioned that before," she pointed out, hoping to stall him as she pulled it behind her back. "But I must say that you're the most graceful, handsomest, perfectess (LS: *looks around for GW* That word almost is as good as strategery!) genius in motion I've ever seen." When he wasn't focused on her, she took a swig and immediately felt the liquor wash down her throat. Ahhh, that's the stuff. She immediately put it behind her back as he swung his attention to her. Shit. Did he see?  
  
He looked at Usagi crossed-eyed, wondering what the hell she was up to. He was Tuxedo Kamen for the love of everything holy, protector of justice blah blah blah and something was telling him she was up to something. He reached for his bottle-  
  
And noticed that it was now gone. "YOU LITTLE WHORE! GIVE ME BACK MY BOTTLE!" he cried in pure fury, his face distorting into something Usagi would describe as 'raging evil and downright scary.'   
  
She quickly started running away from him, lifting the bottle to her lips and swigged a little. "I'm stuck on this [insert something Crish (CR: what about cunty?)] island too, you know! I could at least get a taste of it!" Obviously, her alter ego was showing through at moment because she was running pretty damn fast.  
  
But not fast enough. He was about to catch up with her when she stopped cold in her tracks unexpectedly, her arms out to the side for balance. Mamoru, unable to stop his momentum, he ran into her, causing her to stumble forward a few feet. What was she _doing_?   
  
The coiled-up snake was something that he realized was there only when it rattled and snapped at her. She backed up quickly to avoid the snip and Mamoru did too. "Mamo, is that the same snake I thought was a vine?" she gritted through clenched teeth. 'Faaaaaaaaak.'  
  
He placed his hands on her shoulders, pulling her back slowly as the snake advanced on her. "It could be...." Well, even if it wasn't the same snake, it was madder than a woman stood up on a blind date while PMSing. "When I count to three, we run...okay...?"  
  
"Mamo, are you sure this is a good idea-"  
  
"THREE!"  
  
Usagi turned and bolted, Mamoru grabbing her hand as they ran from the snake, dust clouds of sand forming after them. She looked over her shoulder, wide-eyed, hearing something behind them. "MAMO! THE BASTARD SNAKE IS _CHASING_ US!"   
  
He turned and saw that she was right-the snake _was_ chasing them. What the FUCK!? He pulled Usagi to the right quickly, the snake close behind them, cursing inside. What the HELL was this? Why did EVERYTHING have to go wrong on this island?   
  
It had long ago been ascertained that Moomoo Stink and the Hell Raisers' body parts would not be identifiable once they got back to Tokyo. He now was going to edit that thought: Moomoo Stink and the Hell Raisers would not _HAVE_ body parts to be identified. "Jump to the left!" he cried, his legs pumping faster   
  
Usagi wasn't too keen on that idea. "It's a drop off, you stupid cunt!" (LS: yes, I typed cunt. It's rated R, folks. I can say these things.) She didn't have time to further develop her argument, because Mamoru decided that jumping to the drop-off was a good way to get out of the snake-chasing predicament. Just like a man to figure his problems would go away by rolling down a steep (painfully steep, Usagi wanted to point out) hill.   
  
"AHHHHHHH!" Usagi screamed as she immediately lost her footing, grabbed onto Mamoru for support, and only succeeded in pulling him down with her. They rolled down the steep drop-off, Mamoru hitting every possible painful and blunt object that could inflict pain, Usagi's screams echoing in his ears. They tumbled for what seemed forever, Usagi's eyes slammed shut as she had images of Alice and the rabbit hole flash in her mind.   
  
When she noticed that the falling sensation (i.e. due to her falling) had stopped, she felt oddly safe and warm and protected. She sighed, not wanting to open her eyes. She heard the distant call of that same bastard seagull echoing through the air, nothing moving around her. She guessed they had lost the snake and/or it had not wanted to commit suicide by plunging over the side of a fear-inducing steep hill. She could feel her toes at least. She wiggled them to make sure.   
  
She shifted uncomfortably, not able to place the 'weirdness factor' she was feeling at the moment-  
  
"Odango, I would suggest not moving for the moment," Mamoru's voice said tightly.  
  
Her eyes opened slowly, soon realizing that the only thing she could see was...Mamoru's loin cloth. Her eyes opened fully (wide as freakin' saucers, pancakes, and anything else that was round for that matter) and let out a scream that would have made several female horror movie stars narrow their eyes to slits in jealousy. "MAMORU, YOU HENTAI!"   
  
Mamoru only sighed and rolled his eyes, still afraid to move though. "It's not like I _planned_ on falling into this position, you idiot! And _stop_ calling me a hentai! You're going to get me arrested with that loud mouth of yours." He was beginning to think that being arrested would be better than being stuck on an island with Tsukino Usagi. His inner voice laughed at him though, finding the former thought hilarious. 'Except for the moment right now, and the moment you saw her naked, and the times you see her only in a thong bikini....' He felt like stabbing his inner voice, but decided that would probably hurt too much. He settled on punching it instead.  
  
That was when she realized something was underneath her. Something like hands. "AAAAAAH!" Someone's hands were on her butt, and she could tell right away that they _weren't_ hers. She immediately tried to push him off of her, but she couldn't move him.  
  
"Stop moving!" he bit out painfully. Ohmylord, she was turning him on. "Dear lord, USAGI...do_not_move!"   
  
That ceased her immediately. She heard the tone in his voice-the kind that you don't mess with, the kind that said, 'if you don't listen, you won't like the consequences.' "Mamo, your hands are on my precariously thong-clad butt." Her tourist boob t-shirt was up around her upper chest due to the tumble, leaving her lower half very revealed.   
  
He found that she was right when he wiggled his fingers. She responded by slapping his outer thigh. Was it her or was his loin cloth growing closer? "Okay, you're going to roll off me now, thus letting go of my posterior end in one single motion. Got it?"  
  
Mamoru gulped and nodded, though she couldn't see it. "Three," he said to himself, rolling off her and onto his back. He just lay there for a few moments, sighing loudly at first, which then turned into outright laughter. He could hear her shuffle and brush the dirt off of her, imagining the sourpuss expression she was wearing.   
  
"What are _you_ laughing, you jerk?" She crossed her arms over her two chests (one: hers, two: her t-shirt's).   
  
He remained laying, only turning her head over to meet her gaze. "What? No creative insult this time? Only jerk?"  
  
"So you want me to make up a creative insult every time I find the need to address you? I can't be that creative under pressure sometimes, you know." CR: you know, LS?)  
  
"I understand. Here, Odango, help me up." He extended his hand towards her, putting on an innocent face. "Please? I don't think I can stand by myself...."  
  
She hesitated, rolling her eyes once more. "Fine," she spat as she stomped over to him. She placed her hand inside his....  
  
And immediately found that she was now under him. She gasped loudly, putting her hands on his shoulders and started pushing him away. But as his midnight blue eyes stared into hers, she lost all fight. The bastard just _had_ to be the most handsome man she had ever seen, her knees growing weak as if she had just run a marathon (26 miles), ran across the pacific ocean (23487925 miles), and then ran to the moon and back (2347572345987 miles). Good thing she wasn't standing. (LS: Oh, some of those numbers may be the result of me randomly pressing keys with *gasp* numbers on them CR: oh, and here I thought you actually went and did some research on this, you cunt-whore)  
  
He said something that she didn't catch at first, her chest rising and falling and thus not enabling her to hear properly. "Huh?"  
  
"You really are something else, Tsukino Usagi...." she realized he had said only when he repeated it.   
  
"I have no idea what you're talk-"   
  
His lips covered hers and she immediately felt the need to speak disappear. At first, she was so shocked that Tuxedo Kamen (in a loin cloth no less) was kissing her (LS: Thanks to me and CR's wonderfully kinky sense of humor), she had nothing she could do but lay there. And then realizing that not only was she immensely enjoying this but actually liking the way it felt inside and out, she delved her hands into that gorgeous hair of his which only managed to encourage him further, moving to her neck with those hot kisses of his. "Mamo," she thought she murmured, but it didn't exactly come out that clear. She felt something on her thigh. "Is that a gun or are you happy to see me?" she whispered into his ear as he continued to kiss her neck.  
  
His kisses stopped as soon as her words registered in his mind..."Snake!"   
  
"Silly, that wasn't one of the choices-" Her eyes traveled to her thighs, finding a snake slithering across her. "SNAKE!" Without waiting for anything to be said, she jumped up screaming.  
  
He jumped up immediately and reached for a good-sized stick that looked like it would make a good walking stick, angrily advancing to where the snake had been only moments before, and instead found nothing.  
  
Usagi was eerily quiet, not screaming or anything as he thought she would have been. "Usa? You okay?"  
  
She turned towards him and nodded, grabbing his hand as she made her way back towards the cave, where she would look forward to a good night's sleep, safe from the craziness the island possessed. Another blasted three weeks on this island, and she couldn't wait for what the following days would hold for them. Whooppeee.  
  
(LS: Okay, all I can write right now. *tag* You're it. You can have fun with them waking up close to each other. Feel free to add anything at all to make this another piss-dispensing chapter. CR: nah, it's all good. I'm too damn lazy to write more to an already eventful chapter. *chases after LS* Just don't expect me to catch up to you in this game-o-tag; I get easily winded) 


	5. LS' Author's Notes of a New Confused Nat...

LS' Author's Notes of a New Confused Nature  
10/23/02  
  
.  
.  
  
The good news is: We found our story! Woooo! We can  
now see it on FFN (and no, it was -not- totally due to the filter  
not being set to show R fics). Thanks to all who reviewed   
thus far and told us you can see the fic. ^^;;  
  
The new confused nature is still a result of FFN's genius:   
we now cannot see our reviews. What the hell, right? It   
says 16 reviews. *counts* I may not be that good in math,   
but I learned how to count (at least I like to think that I   
did--I have 9 fingers, right? *grins*) WELLLLLL, anyway, yeah,   
if you reviewed and it's not showing up, would be please try   
again? Hmmmmm. I think I may eat FFN's liver . . .   
  
The next chapter is in the works under the supervision of CR, so   
be prepared for what's coming next. And make sure you review!  
We have a 'must-review' policy because, in accordance with our  
name 'crazy-whores,' we're also REVIEW WHORES. So REVIEW for the  
LOVE OF DILBERT (and evil hr-director, too).  
  
"I ate FFN's liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti..."  
~Solo Lector 


	6. Chapter 3

CR: All right you ungrateful, non-reviewing readers, here is the next chapter. Although I   
would very much like to withhold this and every new chapter we've got until we get   
more reviews, I realize that that is childish and just plain stupid. We would LIKE to have   
more reviews to let us know whether or not you guys like what we've got or not but we   
also realize that we can't force you to do anything you don't want to do. So, I guess this   
is a moot point. SM isn't mine, and whatever LS says, it isn't hers either.   
  
LS: If you read this, you review it, get it? People don't call me Solo Lector just because   
I'm beautiful….  
  
CR: And now, without further ado, here's the next chapter of Moomoo Stink and the Hell   
Raisers. Dedicated to Neo for inspiring this chapter. Don't worry, Mrs. Neo. It's not   
what you think.  
  
LS: The sad thing is, yes it is….*thoughts wander to his stiff upper lippy* :D  
  
************************************************************************  
Moomoo Stink and the Hell Raisers  
By: CR and LS  
Chapter 3 by: CR  
******************************  
  
Usagi shifted uncomfortably on the soup can label bed, groaning inwardly at her   
cursed luck. Her thong was beginning to piss the shit out of her. Seeing that Mamoru   
was asleep facing her, she reached down between her legs in yet another futile attempt to   
unwedge the thin Spandex strap deeply lodged between her ass cheeks. She arched her   
back to give her better access to her backside and gave the thong a mighty tug. Usagi felt   
greatly relieved to have that invader out of her crumbum, even for a mere few seconds   
before it wedged itself back into place. She kicked both legs in annoyance and felt a   
scream gurgling up her throat. Usagi was going to _kill_ that whore Minako for doing   
this to her. When she got back to Tokyo, that hell raiser bitch better get her ass cheeks   
sewn together for her own sake because Usagi was going to give her the mother of all   
wedgies.   
  
She squirmed around some more, trying to find a less…pinching…position on   
their makeshift bed and almost cried out in frustration when she felt the thong going up   
her ass even more. 'That does it. Mamoru can just kiss my ass cuz I can't take this   
anymore!' Nodding her head defiantly, she once again arched her back and this time,   
hooked both thumbs under the waistband and began inching the bothersome thongs   
down. 'Almost…almost…'  
  
Then it happened. Just as she had gotten the thong halfway down her thighs,   
some unseen force of nature went and jerked her hand away, smacking the sleeping   
Mamoru squarely in the loincloth. The scream that erupted from his lips was loud   
enough to awaken the dead. It certainly was loud enough to make Usagi go deaf in one   
ear.   
  
"What the FUCK did you think you were doing?!" he screeched, clasping his sore   
manhood protectively in his hands. If Usagi wasn't there staring at him, he'd probably be   
checking to make sure his best friend was ok. He'd be inspecting him for damage,   
soothing him with words of affection and letting the big guy know just how appreciated   
he really was. In Mamoru's opinion, both of them had gotten happier since being well   
acquainted with each other.   
  
But Odango had to hurt his friend and for that, she must pay. He glared at Usagi   
rather hatefully before using his hands to see if she did any permanent damage. He   
almost sighed with relief when the big guy let him know that he was fine and could still   
perform his duties efficiently.   
  
"I'm sorry, Mamoru. I was just trying to take my thong off," Usagi offered   
weakly. She really didn't _mean_ to hit him; that was just a bonus that came along with   
getting that blasted Spandex/Lycra mutant bikini out of her ass. Seeing that Mamoru was   
still glaring at her, Usagi stuck her bottom lip out pathetically and made her eyes look up   
at him, making sure that her chin was pointed to her chest. Usagi had perfected the   
puppy face down to a science and if Mamoru thought he could resist it, well then, he was   
just as wrong about that as he was about the size of his…'pleasure stick.'  
  
"And _why_ would you do _that_?" The tension in Mamoru's voice was   
unmistakable.   
  
"HEY! You try walking around this godforsaken island with a wedgie for 17   
days and see how _you_ like it!" Then, as if to challenge Mamoru into indeed taking a   
walk in her shoes, so to speak, she whipped the thong off violently and smacked him in   
the chest with it. "Here. Show me what you got!"  
  
Mamoru fought a losing battle between the big guy and his conscience (the angel   
one, not the devil one). Hearing Usagi's explanation about why she accidentally hit him   
in the family jewels did nothing to ease pain. In fact, seeing the puppy face she was   
famous for AND knowing that she was naked from the waist down AND having her   
thongs right there for the taking just made all sorts of mental images come alive in his   
mind. Ah, the pictures…  
  
'HEY! You have a HOT girl right beside you who has just taken her thong off   
and you're lying there like a big doofus!' the big guy, whom Mamoru had affectionately   
named Neo after a night of binge drinking with Motoki-err, the evil cow, yelled. 'Where   
did I go wrong?' Mamoru could almost see Neo throwing up his hands-if he had any,   
that is-in despair.   
  
'Now, now, Mamoru. She's only fourteen years old,' his conscience chided.   
Mamoru nodded in agreement. 'She probably has NO idea that guys like Neo exist.'   
(CR: Oh, guys like Neo exist all right…*laughs evilly* LS: YES they do….but they're   
all happily married or gay, I tell you)  
  
'THAT GIRL'S FOURTEEN?!' Neo shouted in shock. 'WHOA! Mamoru,   
buddy, if this girl's only fourteen years old and already has a body like THAT, imagine   
what she'd look like just two years from now. Va-va-va-VOOM!' As if to prove his   
point, Neo stood at attention proudly, pitching a tent in Mamoru's loincloth in a statement   
that meant he was there to stay.  
  
Mamoru groaned in pain and pent up frustration. This couldn't be happening.   
After the kiss they shared that day they were being chased around by that son-of-a-bitch   
snake, they made an unspoken agreement that they had been drunk out of their asses and   
thus had no idea what had happened. Now it just seems so wrong to have a beautiful girl   
like Usagi prancing around in nothing but a t-shirt and not being able to do anything   
about it. Mamoru wanted to cry.  
  
"Uh, Mamoru, are you ok?" Usagi asked hesitantly when she saw the conflicting   
emotions play out across his face. Maybe her puppy face was better than she thought.   
  
"Fine Usa, just fine," he managed to croak out even as Neo waved an unseen   
hello to Usagi. 'GO AWAY NEO!' he mentally shouted.   
  
'MAKE ME, CUNT!' Neo shouted back, standing up taller than ever before.   
  
'Please Neo,' he begged desperately, sweat dotting his forehead. 'If you go away   
for TWO minutes, I promise we'll get some alone time. PLEASE!'  
  
'Well….' Mamoru almost sighed with relief when he felt Neo starting to relax.   
'You owe me BIG for this, dipshit. (CR: hey you know what this genius spellchecker   
suggested for an alternate spelling of dipshit? Dips hit. What the faak's a dips hit?   
Stupid cunt) I mean it. I expect to be treated like a king from now on. When we get   
back to Tokyo, I want those silk boxers I've been telling you to get, not that cheap-ass,   
cotton-chaffing, boxer brief shit you always buy at the discount rack. And when you   
_do_ get more boxer briefs, for god's sakes make sure they're 100% cotton, not a poly-  
cotton blend! Polyester doesn't let me _breathe_. Got that?'  
  
'Yes, yes, I got it.' Mamoru rolled his eyes. He really _was_ a slave to his penis.   
Not wanting to get on Neo's bad side again, Mamoru quickly adjusted his loincloth and   
started to get up.  
  
"Where are you going, Mamoru?"   
  
"I'm just going to walk the pain off. Don't follow me!" he barked as an   
afterthought, dashing out the cave like a man on a mission, Usagi's thong clutched tightly   
in his hand.  
  
"Who said I wanted to follow you anyway, asshole?" she retorted, feeling slightly   
hurt at being ordered to leave him alone. Ever since they kissed, she'd been seeing   
Mamoru in a whole new light. Not that seeing Mamoru naked wasn't an eye opening   
experience that she had yet to get used to, it's just that this was the first time she had   
actually seen any emotion in the man other than anger.  
  
She had to admit that she liked it. She could've murdered that faakin snake for   
ruining what could've become something she'd only seen in her father's secret porno   
stash, which was stupidly hidden in her room and away from her mother's eyes. She   
guessed he hadn't counted on her actually being curious enough to invite Molly over to   
watch the mystery tape which she thought was a Disney movie. (CR: this is true, folks.   
My dad, in a strange and stupid attempt to hide his porno stash from my mom, hid them   
in my closet, where I of course found them and invited my friend over to watch them.   
Imagine the shock going through our 11-year old minds when we hit play and there were   
people doing stuff that _sounded_ like it hurt, but was oddly pleasurable enough to keep   
on doing it. I knew it was a porno, I just didn't know it was a PORNO. Sorry, just a   
glimpse into my odd little world. LS: So that's the origin of your hentai mind. That was   
better an episode of Lifetime's Biography) Anyway, ever since that day, neither one of   
them had mentioned it again, Usagi attributing their behaviour on the alcohol and   
assuming that Mamoru had done the same.  
  
Usagi sighed for the millionth time that day. If this was the evil cow and his   
henchwomen's brilliant way of getting Mamoru and her closer together, then her theory   
about all of them sharing half a brain was true. Walking around in these ridiculous get-  
ups was just driving them to the brink of insanity, not to each other's arms. She sighed   
again. Since wearing that torturous thong was no longer an option, she needed to find a   
suitable covering to keep Mamoru AND his 'joy luck club' from spontaneously   
combusting. She rose from the depths of the sleeping bag and pushed the alligator hide   
blanket away, dusted herself off and left the cave.  
  
Meanwhile, Mamoru and Neo had just finished 'bonding' and Mamoru was now   
laying back sedately against a coconut tree with his arms behind his head, convinced that   
he was the king of the world.   
  
"So Neo, was it as good for you as it was for me?" he joked.   
  
'Oh yeah. Don't bother me, cunt…tired.' And with that, Neo turned over to   
sleep, relieved, but still not satisfied. If he could only get his hands on that girl   
with the ass, he'd show her a thing or two…  
  
"Neo! Go to sleep!"  
  
'Whatever, cunt. You know you want her ass just as much as I do.'   
  
"Well, yeah, but I'm not gonna do anything about it. As Tuxedo Kamen, I have a   
responsibility to the world's citizens and that includes preserving Usagi's virtue."  
  
'HA!'  
  
"Oh shut the fuck up, Neo! The lengths I go to please your ungrateful ass…"  
  
'Don't talk as if you're not getting anything out of our _business_ arrangements,   
you caped crustacean.'  
  
"Ah fuck you. You're getting too outspoken for your own damn good." Mamoru   
forcefully lowered the loincloth and closed his eyes for a well-deserved nap.   
  
Usagi, on the other hand, had no idea there was a discussion going on between   
Mamoru and Neo concerning her. She was walking around the little hellhole she didn't   
want to call home, trying to find a suitable replacement for her thong and the other   
'clothes' they've been wearing ever since they landed on this miserable atoll. On the plus   
side, Usagi's tan was developing quite nicely and her head felt lighter because of her lack   
of hair.   
  
At the thought of her hair, Usagi's hand immediately flew up to the severed ends,   
reminding herself of what she'd like to do to a certain Hino Rei once she got back on   
Tokyo soil, and to a certain group of bar wenches, who had streetwalking written in their   
futures, for not stopping her. Oh the things she'd like to do to them when she got back.  
  
She and Mamoru had come to the conclusion that their backstabbing 'friends' had   
come up with some sort of elaborate lie to get them out of school and Mamoru out of   
work. She wondered where her parents thought she was and about Mamoru's parents as   
well. Surely they hadn't been party to this madness. She knew her father would kill the   
seventeen year old Mamoru (CR: I decided to stick with the manga ages because I just   
don't feel comfy with a 21 year old Mamoru lusting after a 14 year old girl. Some   
authors-one in particular whose name has something to do with spinning and can't write   
sex scenes for shit-might like that, but I sure as hell don't. LS: *falls over laughing*) if   
he ever caught him walking down the same sidewalk as his daughter, she could just   
picture the kittens he'd have if he ever found out that they were alone on this island   
together dressed like two crack addicts who had just fallen naked into the Salvation Army   
donation box and emerged in a state worse than they had started in.   
  
Luckily, those fucking bastards had enough sense to leave them with the basic   
things that they would need to keep up their appearances, i.e. razors. Usagi would've   
died if she had to walk around this place with hairy legs and hairy pits. She blushed   
when she thought about the rather tiny nature of the thong and rejoiced when she had   
taken care of _that_ problem the second they had found those precious, precious razor   
blades. So the little gang of hellions had a tiny bone of human decency in them after all.   
Unluckily for Mamoru, however, there was only one razor and five replacement blades,   
meaning they'd have to share. She could still remember the scowl on his face when she   
thrust the razor in his face, full of hair she had shaved from her…everywhere. To his   
credit, he took the razor from her outstretched hand and walked to the stream without   
commenting on the copious amount of hair clogging the blades or her tomato-red face.  
  
Finally, Usagi had found some reeds growing near the stream that would be   
perfect for making a skirt out of. She quickly cut the grasses down with the small knife   
provided to them by the children of the damned, in other words, her ex-friends. Using   
her mad basket weaving skills-her mother had made her take courses on basket weaving   
for the past two years, fearing that being a professional video game tester was a highly   
competitive job market seeing as how every slacker kid like her daughter wanted to   
become one-she fashioned a grass skirt much like the hula dancers she saw once on a   
travel show. Then she cut more grasses and wove a hat for her ungrateful companion   
because he was constantly complaining about the harsh effects UVA and UVB rays were   
doing to his skin.  
  
Speaking of Mamoru, _where_ the hell was he? The last time she had seen him   
was a half hour ago and this wasn't a very large island. Granted, it was big enough for   
bears, alligators, snakes and now humans to exist, but it only took about an hour or two to   
walk across the island in a leisurely pace. 'This island is like the Garden of Eden in   
reverse,' she thought grumpily as she traipsed around the beach looking for Mamoru.   
'We're walking around practically naked, well aware of what the sight of our nearly-  
naked bodies are doing to each other; drunken animals roaming the premises freely and   
not giving a rat's ass what they're doing to each other and their hapless witnesses; Satan   
rules this island with an iron and let his bastard offspring deliver them into its evil.'  
  
Finally she found him, after much walking and muttering to herself something   
along the lines of "revenge," "murder," loincloth," and "nice ass," sprawled under a palm   
tree, both legs crossed at the ankle and arms behind his head. If Usagi didn't know any   
better, she would've thought that Mamoru went out and got himself some. Her face   
reddened when she saw her discarded bikini bottom on the sand next to him.   
  
Silently fuming, she walked up to him slowly and scooped up some sand in her   
cupped hands. She smiled wickedly as she dumped it on his chest with Mamoru none the   
wiser. Soon, Mamoru was completely buried under a shitload of sand, save his head. He   
would need his eyes clear of sand when she began taunting him with the food she was   
eating over the fire she had built while he naively slept.  
  
The smell of something roasting roused Mamoru back to the land of the living.   
He tried to wipe his bleary eyes but to his astonishment, found that he could not lift his   
arms up, nor could he lift up his legs. Panicked, he blinked furiously and found that he   
was buried under sand with Usagi peacefully roasting fish on a stick.   
  
"What did you do, Odango?" he asked, his tone a warning of what was in store for   
her when he was finally free.   
  
"I buried you in sand," she answered lightly, smacking her lips at the yummy   
looking fish she had found in one of the traps they set up when they first arrived.   
  
"_Why_ did you bury me in sand?" If Usagi was scared by his dangerously low   
voice, she didn't show it.  
  
"Because you were using me in one of your ecchi fantasies again and I didn't like   
it."  
  
"You were never in ANY of my ecchi fantasies," he countered, trying not to think   
of Usagi in a harem girl costume, feeding him grapes one by one as he lay on a luxurious   
feather bed, arms and legs tied to the bedposts. He blushed furiously, thankful that Usagi   
had her back turned to him. 'You were in Neo's.'  
  
"Then what was my thong doing right beside you?" she replied haughtily, turning   
the fish over to promote even cooking.  
  
"I used it as an insect repellent," he deadpanned. Usagi narrowed her eyes   
dangerously.  
  
"Keep that up sparky, and you'll be spending the night out here, alone with your   
ecchi thoughts and unable to do anything about them."  
  
"You're not seriously going to leave me here all night, are you, Odango?" he   
asked, infusing every ounce of charm he possessed in his voice.  
  
"Try me."  
  
'Sheesh. Women,' he thought in disgust.   
  
'What a woman,' Neo said in admiration.   
  
'Shut the fuck up, Neo. It's all your fault I'm in this position, you horny bastard.'  
  
'Don't pretend you didn't like it. C'mon, admit it. I won't tell,' Neo taunted.   
'Remember the Sultan of the Island fantasy that we came up with? The one where Usagi,   
the harem girl with the insatiable sexual appetite, drugs your tea and when you wake up,   
you're tied to the bed and she's doing this thing with her tongue…'  
  
'Yes, yes, I remember. It's kinda hard to forget when you keep reminding me of   
it.' Mamoru closed his eyes in remembrance and shook his head when he realized this   
was not the time to be thinking of Usagi the Insatiable. He opened his eyes…and   
screamed.  
  
Usagi whipped around at the sound of Mamoru screaming his head off. "What's   
the matter?"  
  
"SCORPION! Right under my chin! Get it off, get it off, get it off!" Usagi ran   
up to the screaming man and sure enough, there was a huge black scorpion with its tail   
aimed directly at Mamoru's face. "Get it off, Usa!"  
  
Usagi saw the look of terror on Mamoru's face and knew that he was truly   
frightened. She motioned him to keep calm and to be quiet, crept up to the scorpion and   
used the straw hat she wove for Mamoru to trap it. Using a banana leaf she found on the   
sand, she carefully slid it underneath the hat and disposed of the scorpion in the fire.   
'Usagi one, evil animals zero.'  
  
She walked back to Mamoru and began digging him out of his sandy prison.   
When she finally got enough sand off for him to get up on his own, Mamoru stood up   
with Usagi's help and dusted himself off.  
  
"Are you okay, Mamo? I'm sorry about burying you in the sand. I'd hate to   
think of what could've happened if the scorpion got you." Mamoru said nothing and she   
sighed. "I'm sorry. I'll just go back to the cave now--"  
  
Whatever words Usagi was going to say next were muffled as Mamoru's lips   
came down on hers. It was a slow, lingering kiss, one that made Usagi tremble out of   
fear and longing. When they finally broke apart, Mamoru grinned slyly at the dazed look   
on Usagi's face. "Let's go back to the cave now," he said, taking her hand and leading   
them back to the cave not far away.   
  
'I KNEW I taught you a thing or two!' exclaimed Neo triumphantly.   
  
'Aw, shut up, Neo!'  
  
************************************************************************  
  
CR: Well, that's all I can write. This goes out to Neo for letting us use him as the   
butt of our jokes. AND WHAT A BUTT! Heheheh…Anyways, review you bastards or we'll   
find your lazy asses and eat your livers. Or we could just get Neo to do some weird PHP   
shit on your computers, effectively cutting off Internet access and messing up with your   
lives. Don't think it's not possible. Neo knows all.   
  
LS: And don't think she's making this up, folks. Neo is one resourceful mother fucker.   
  
CR: To a certain reviewer who doesn't know what a cunt is, don't ask your mom. That's   
all I can say. If you're REALLY curious, look it up in Webster's if you haven't done so   
already. 


	7. Chapter 4

-Author's Pointless Notes That Only Take Up Space Written Exactly at October 31, 2002:   
11:59:59-  
  
LS: And ye of little faith thought we weren't going to finish this story! *throws head back in   
mock triumph laughter* You apparently have not heard my god-like status floating around   
campus (er…not THAT particular status you're thinking of… ;) concerning me finishing papers   
literally minutes before class starts. See, there's something to be said for burning the midnight oil,   
procrastination, and a looming deadline hovering over your head. Let's just say we both work well   
under pressure.  
  
-Disclaimer: *I* am Naoko Takeuchi. *I* own Sailor Moon and all related characters,   
merchandising, and most importantly, Mamoru. So back off. *smiles sweetly* If you would like to   
send fan mail, please use either my email address or if you prefer snail mail: Lady Solo (aka   
Naoko-sama), Coney Island Mental Institution, Room 69.  
  
Chapter 4  
***********  
Moomoo Stink and the Hell Raisers  
By: CR & LS  
Rating: RRRRRRRRR (did I mention R?;)  
***********  
  
Mamoru skillfully skewed the poor fish with the end of his sharpened stick. Pleased with   
himself, he noted that he handled long pole-like objects mighty well.  
  
'That you do,' Neo said suggestively, and if Neo had eyebrows, he would be wiggling   
them shamelessly. 'You DO (rather well I might add) know how to—"  
  
"NEO!" Mamoru screamed, chin to his chest and looking scathingly down as he yelled at   
his chibi Mamoru affectionately called Neo. "You need to shut the fuck up!" His fifth appendage   
had found that torturing him for the past week or so—actually, for the past month, but had been   
quiet for most of the first few weeks—was a new past time. Neo apparently liked causing Mamoru   
grief.  
  
'Oh, come ON you prissy vaginal belch. You do know how to handle—"  
  
"I was referring to my CANE that I, Tuxedo Kamen, use to fight! You need to get your   
mind out of the shit hole."  
  
'I don't have a mind, you stupid cunt! I *AM* your mind….'  
  
He reached down to the fish skewed on his stick, throwing it into a weaved basket Usagi   
had made for the holding the fish while he hunted. So far, he had caught three fish the same way,   
all a decent size to make a succulent fillet. 'You should find the girl and use _your_ decent size   
on _her_ fillet.'  
  
"I'm not talking to you anymore!" he growled low in his throat.  
  
"Not talking to me, eh?" a hurt voice said slowly.  
  
Mamoru turned around to see his only companion on this deserted island of hell: Usagi,   
the klutz formally known as Odango Atama (LS: Prince, anyone? Oo;;). The expression on her   
face did not match the hurt her voice had conveyed. She looked rather amused.  
  
"Noooooo, I wasn't talking to you, Usa."  
  
"So you were talking to yourself, eh?" She raised an eyebrow and placed her hands on   
her bare waist. (Yes, bare: A week ago, after she had finally gotten fed up with the her thong—  
her only barrier keeping her from going commando—she had decided to alter the tourist boob T-  
shirt to make a more desirable outfit to avoid the ever-permanent wedgie her thong had   
presented her with. She didn't know why she hadn't thought of this sooner. She had cut the   
sleeves off and just above the midriff and with a small needle and thread traveling kit, she had   
used the two sleeves to piece together a pair of non-wedgable bikini bottoms and used the rest of   
the material as a tie-around skirt.)  
  
"I was _not_ talking to myself!" he defended instantly, the lameness of his words obvious   
even to himself. Even he didn't buy it. 'Damn, Chiba, now you've done it….'  
  
"Then who were you—"  
  
'Think fast think fast think fast! You TOTAL IDIOT! What'd you get on your entrance   
exam again?' He couldn't think of anything to offer her as an excuse… 'That's it! I, your brain, am   
kicking you in the ass for being a total moron!' And suddenly, it hit him. "I was practicing on what I   
was going to say to…er…the evil cow and cronies when 30 days are up.…"  
  
His mind actually had stopped screaming at him for being a total idiot and now was only   
half-muttering 'lame-ass' the moment she stopped looking at him like he was a straight man in a   
gay bar. She obviously had let that one slide, to which he was pretty grateful. How the hell could   
he tell her about little Mamo-chan: Neo?  
  
"Well, so you're not going to talk to him anymore?" She leaned over the basket and   
counted the fish, wrinkling her nose at the sight of them. "I definitely won't be talking to those   
streetwalking whores once I get my hands on them. More specific location: their necks. More   
specific action: strangling."  
  
Mamoru went back to searching the mid-calf water for fish to stab at, hoping to catch one   
in front of her. It was the caveman instinct in him that wanted to prove he could fend for himself,   
catch food, and still look good in a loin cloth. He had to admit one thing: being stuck on this island   
did do wonders for his tan. Now, underneath that white mask of Tuxedo Kamen will be not only   
the hunk protector of justice, but one _tan_ hunk protector of justice.  
  
"Mamo, they're coming soon you know—in a few days…" Usagi said softly, sitting next to   
the basket of fish.  
  
He looked up from his random jabs in the water with a stick to look her in the eyes. And   
what beautiful eyes they were. The time on the island had also served her a nice delicious,   
perfectly trim, athletic body the perfect shade of tan. Just how he liked it—not pasty white, but not   
so dark she looked like a permanent denizen of a beach. Er…even though they had been the   
permanent denizens of this island for a little less than a month.  
  
Well, at any rate, the tan made her look damn sexy. Her legs were a perfect dark color   
that would look just scrumptious with that short Sailor Moon skirt of hers and those red go-go   
boots that were involved in every Tokyo man's fantasies. "They're coming exactly in two days,   
three hours, thirty nine minutes and fourteen seconds."  
  
Her expression was priceless. "How…how did you know that?"  
  
He pointed to a small contraption next to the bucket she had not noticed before. She   
blinked, her vision telling her that she was clearly not seeing things. It _was_ there.  
  
"A few days ago, to alleviate my infinite boredom and frustration, (Neo groaned at this   
moment, causing Mamoru to roll his eyes) I built this time-telling device using my dead wrist   
watch. I managed to calibrate the watch to be hooked up to satellites and can give us the exact   
position you are located on this world. Not to mention, can let you swim at the very bottom of the   
ocean and tells you the time in three pre-set time zones."  
  
Usagi, staring worriedly at Mamoru as if he had just told her he was the king of the a   
distant kingdom in the future called Crystal Tokyo and they had a child together named Rini,   
managed to slip out a few sentences of logic. "You said the battery was dead…." Her face was   
blank. 'He might as well be speaking in PHP (LS: *coff*)!'  
  
"Oh, I used coconut milk to fuel it. There's plenty of coconuts on this island."  
  
Her face was still blank. "Coconut milk?" That was the stupidest thing she had ever   
heard! Coconut milk could be used to fuel a watch that had a GPS system and different time   
zones under water?  
  
Mamoru nodded gravely, holding his spear in front of him, following a newly spotted fish   
swimming around his still feet. "The chemical properties of coconut milk are vastly"—he stabbed   
at the fish and missed—"unexplored.  
  
She could only stare at his perfect body, forgetting the nonsense of coconut milk. Her   
time on the island with Mamoru was something that turned out not to be that bad—well, um,   
besides the part with the snake. Er, actually, both times with the snake. And don't forget about the   
alligator. AND the bears. God, who could forget about the bears? Well, and the ants, those little   
mother fuckers. But actually, now that she thought about it, she would gladly be stuck on this Dr.   
Doolittle infested three-ring circus for the kisses that they had shared together—that was   
something she'd never forget.  
  
And who could forget Chiba Mamoru in a loin cloth? Certainly not her. Once she got back   
to her own bed, she definitely had the feeling that she would be having dreams of sugar and   
spice and everything nice…and Mamoru in a loin cloth.  
  
She knew there would be many women a-plenty that would DIE to see him sporting only   
what his mamma gave him and the smallest piece of cloth known to mankind. And a month ago,   
she would have to admit that she would have been the last person on this GALAXY to stand in   
line to fight for the privilege. Now, she was pretty damn sure she'd Moon Tiara any female's (or   
for that matter, any male's too) ass that even THOUGHT about looking in his direction. She didn't   
know where that protective urge sprouted from, but it just felt right.  
  
She was looking closely at the coconut time-teller machine, when she decided she was   
too bored watching Mamoru's hard, lithe body move stealthily through the water. When his back   
was turned, stick in hand and ready to strike at any moment at unsuspecting fish named Flounder   
(from the Little Mermaid—at first she was quite distraught that they were eating one of her   
favorite childhood characters but soon realized that food was more important than a cartoon), she   
snuck off towards a few coconuts she was gathering when she found Mamo talking to himself.   
She picked one up and laughed at the devilish thoughts she was coming up with.  
  
She'd just chuck the coconut at him causing a small little splash. Seeing Mamoru   
hunched over slight staring intently into the water brought a huge smile across her face as she   
launched the coconut at him. It hit him squarely in the head, complete with a bopping sound   
reserved for hollow objects, and then splashed into the water, scaring away the fish he had been   
carefully hunting. The stick fell from his grip and limply, he fell over into the water.  
  
At first, Usagi just stood there, watching his body lap in the water, wondering if she really   
had that good of aim or if their luck had just been cursed on this island. She had meant to lightly   
hit him and/or miss completely and just make a splash—but the fact remained, he wasn't moving.  
  
Concerned that he wasn't playing with her, she ran to his limp body and immediately   
started dragging him out of the water Baywatch style. Except the thing was, she was wearing   
more than all the women on the show combined. "Mamoru!"  
  
He moaned and rubbed his head, exactly where she had hit him on the head with the   
coconut. "Owwwwww," he moaned lucidly. "Dammit, USAGI!? You hit me with a coconut!"  
  
"I was just trying to have some fun, you horse bangin' skank. I didn't know I'd actually   
_hit_ you!" She rubbed her hand over the bump she could feel welting up on his head. "Poor   
baby! I'm SORRY!"  
  
"You SHOULD be sorry! Didn't you know that coconuts kill more people in the world than   
sharks do? Approximately 150 people are killed each year by coconuts! (LS: TRUE, FOLKS! Next   
time you go swimming and think Jaws, you have more of a chance of being eaten by killer   
COCONUTS.) And they hurt, dammit!"  
  
Leaning over his head, she kissed his bump lightly, smiling down at his angry and pouting   
face. She had to admit that he was pretty good at looking lame, but she had a feeling that he was   
feeling exceptionally lame at the moment for catching a coconut in the head. "I'm sorry, Mamo. I   
kissed it…did it make it feel better?"  
  
He looked up at her, his midnight blue eyes meeting hers, his raven black hair roughed   
and looking very unkempt. In other words, he looked so damn sexy she felt her heart start to   
race. His eyes darkened, she could tell, as they continued to stare at each other, "I think you're   
going to have to do it again, Usagi…." he said softly, his voice dangerously low.  
  
She leaned towards the offending spot once again, a small smile on her face, when she   
felt a hand start to stroke her waist lightly, the touch feeling like a feather. And somehow, of their   
own accord, her lips didn't meet his bump, but rather _his_ lips. And somehow, of their own   
accord, she found her arms wrapped around his neck. And then, she was under him, the warm   
sand on her back as Mamoru continued to assault her lips. His tongue darted out to tease her   
lips, while all pretense of light-hearted fun disappeared immediately and began to turn into   
something she had only experienced with Mamoru's other kisses.  
  
'GOGOGOGOGOGO!' Neo cheered Mamoru enthusiastically.  
  
Her knees were weak and she was mighty grateful that not only was she lying down but   
wouldn't want the feeling to stop. She was beginning to like it, this feeling she was bathed in. His   
soft hands had moved to her caress her back, his lips traveling down her neck as she arched   
against him, moaning soft enough that she wasn't sure if it was actually her voice or her   
imagination. His hand found her breasts under her homemade Jane getup, cupping them as his   
tongue traced her lips once again the outline of her mouth. His knee slipped between her legs   
which led to her wrap them around his hips—  
  
"MAMORU! USAGI!"  
  
Usa jumped easily three feet in the air, Mamoru springing like a rocket to his feet, both   
standing so still, they could have been mistaken for totem poles. "MAMORUUUU! USAGGGGGI!"   
The voice came again, this time louder and distinguishable. It was Motoki. Looking quickly around   
the island, they saw absolutely no one, the way it had been for the past month. They turned to   
each other, both of their chests heaving, both flushed red from head to toe (literally).  
  
'FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAK!' Neo cried, and if possible, would be crying on his knees,   
begging for the cruel torture to come to an end. Mamoru, for once, didn't tell Neo to shut up, and   
merely agreed with his little Mamo-chan (LS: the spell checker is telling me this should me   
Mamma-chan Oo;;), feeling almost on the verge of tears himself. 'For the LOVE of GAWD, why?'   
Neo continued in his cry of literal frustration. 'I have done good things in my life...why the HELL   
can't I just find a nice sweet—'  
  
'I suggest you shut the fuck up so I figure where the evil COW is, NEO!' Mamoru   
screamed at his…lower mind.  
  
"So, how's Usagi's cunt today?" Motoki's voice continued, the smile present in his voice   
though they still had yet to locate where he was. If possible, Mamoru's and Usagi's face   
(er…body) flushed even redder than before.  
  
"Where is he?" she asked quietly, eyes darting back and forth. She could tell he was   
listening carefully to the sharply demanding voice of Motoki.  
  
"SO what are you guys up to?" he asked as if he had run into them on the street. A soft   
purr of a cat, but a very very distinguishable purr to Usagi—that of her guardian cat Luna—was   
heard in the background. She froze yet again. Mamoru noticed Usagi's reaction and raised a   
questioning eyebrow. She shook her head to tell him he'd be informed later.  
  
"Hullo?! Are you two love birds there?"  
  
Mamoru finally found words somewhere hidden beneath his shocked aura. How many   
times now was it that they have been interrupted now? Neo immediately shouted, 'TOO MANY!'   
and felt him agitated with anger. "Motoki!? YOU WHORE! Where are you?"  
  
The answer came swiftly as Usagi continued eye the rest of the beach for any sign of   
movement. "I'm in Tokyo, in the arcade of course."  
  
Usagi's body relaxed somewhat. "…So you can't see us…?"  
  
"No, silly, I don't have that kind of money to spend on voyeur devices." Mamoru and   
Usagi sighed collectively—Motoki had been only said those few lines to taunt the two un-  
consenting island dwellers. "One of the girls—Ami actually—gave the communication device to   
me so we could reach you should anything happen. Needless to say, it's been kind of quiet here   
without you two bitching and with only two days left on the island, I had to taunt you further." They   
could both imagine the big grin the cow had spread across his face, probably thinking he was   
wallowing in his comic genius.  
  
"You mother fucking—"  
  
"Now now, Mamoru, watch your language, you potty mouth. You don't want to corrupt   
sweet little innocent Usagi—"  
  
Mamoru hid a smile as Usagi's face became scrunched with complete and utter rage.   
"You salivating rabid dog, you're just lucky I'm not there to beat your ass you apron wearing   
pussy—"  
  
"Whoa, Tsukino Usagi, I see Mamoru shared with you his gift of creative insults," Motoki   
whispered in surprise. "He share anything _else_ with you?" If possible, it was possible to see   
Motoki wink suggestively.  
  
'I _wish_,' Neo answered disappointedly, frowning.  
  
"Tell Usagi to go to the cave and there she will find a little surprise for her."  
  
Mamoru turned to her and saw that she heard. Usagi, frustrated beyond belief, stormed   
off in the direction of the cave, feeling that although voicing her insults to Motoki wasn't exactly   
the same as kicking M'Stink and the Hell Raisers in the nut sack after running them with a lawn   
mower, a car, and then a bus in person. But it had felt rather good to call the evil cow a few   
choice names. She jogged a little towards the cave, anxious to see what it was that was there—  
something in the back of her mind told her that there was something wrong with this scenario—  
but she blindly walked into the cave.  
  
There, she found a small Victoria's Secret bag, and taped to the outside, a note.  
  
'Usagi, Since the time on the island is almost up, we figured Mamoru would like   
something different than the thong you've been wearing for the past 28 days or so. Enjoy! ^_^v'  
  
"Minako!" she screamed in complete anger as she pulled out a red lacey teddy that was   
rather raunchy. If possible, it revealed even more than her string bikini. She stuffed it back in the   
store's bag, her face flushed red, and headed back towards the beach where she had left   
Mamoru.  
  
And as she approached him from behind, she heard the soft words he was whispering to   
the communicator. "Me and Usagi get together?" He laughed as if that was the most   
preposterous thing he had ever heard. "Usagi's a whiney little klutz, and not to mention only   
fourteen. Sure, she may look rather nice, but believe me, I wouldn't touch her with a ten-foot—  
actually, scratch that, make it a hundred foot—pole!"  
  
"So Neo hasn't been—"  
  
"No! Of course not, you evil cunt. She's a fat, lazy cow who does nothing all day but stuff   
her face with caffeinated sweets and fail tests like a bitch in heat. And need I repeat she's   
fourteen?"  
  
Mamoru heard something behind him, causing him to turn around and find Usagi,   
standing there, tears streaming down her face, hands over her mouth. She ran off towards the   
cave, Mamoru behind her, but for the rest of their time on the island, she ignored him like the   
lying asshole he was every time he opened his mouth to lie anymore.  
  
**************  
  
Motoki pulled the boat onto the island, smiling with triumph as he saw Mamoru and Usagi   
standing on the beach in the clothes that had been provided for their stay on the little island. He   
knew there was no way that those two could have stayed on the island for a month and not at   
least felt _some_ feelings for the other. They were human and he knew, on the inside (beneath   
the insult-flying exterior both possessed), lay an untapped love. He wasn't called the love doctor   
for no reason. He knew these things.  
  
"Hey, Usagi…Mamoru…" They walked straight past him and into the boat, not saying a   
word to either him or each other. He blinked, wondering what the hell was going on. This was   
_not_ how this plan was going to end up. He furrowed his eyebrows and pushed the boat off,   
smiling at the two nonetheless. At least they weren't killing him. That was a sign of maturation,   
but still no words from the two. Both had their arms crossed and were looking out into the ocean   
as if it was the most interesting thing in the world.  
  
Ah, well, it was great making up cover stories for his friend's absence and just thinking   
about them brought a smile to his face every time: Usagi went studying abroad in Africa to learn   
English with the Faaka Laata Tribe, Mamoru was out for a month for surgery for a rather nasty   
sprained Neo….  
  
And although it seemed as if this elaborate scheme didn't work, at least he can say he   
tried to bring the stupid cunts together. And it was rather fun imagining what they were/could be   
doing to make the time pass faster on a deserted island. Ah, well, he continued to row towards   
the waiting boat to bring his little test subjects back to reality.  
  
*************************  
  
Review or die. No fluffy way of saying that tonight, especially at this time. We won't post   
the next chapter until we get 35 reviews. 


	8. Chapter 5The Final Chapter and Epilogue

CR: hey all. This is the last chapter of Moomoo Stink and the Hell Raisers. Thanks to those who read and REVIEWED and an even bigger thanks to those that didn't because now we get to kick your asses soundly to the curb. I can't believe it's the end of the month already!  
************************************************************************  
Moomoo Stink and the Hell Raisers  
Chapter 5  
By: crystal_rose and ladysolo  
***************************************  
Mamoru wandered the streets of Juuban aimlessly, not in the mood to stay in his boring apartment for one minute longer. It had been three days since the evil cow had arrived gloriously on the island to take them home as if he were Moses himself parting the Red Sea. He scoffed to himself and rolled his eyes at the image. He still hasn't said a damn word to the evil cow and his minions since their "rescue."   
  
He almost laughed at the evil cow's face when he and Usagi stormed wordlessly onto the boat that would take them away from the island where evil was born. He knew the evil cow was thinking that all his planning had been for naught since he and Usagi didn't say one word to each other on the way back and they sure as hell didn't say anything to His Cowness. Ever since their failed attempt at lovemaking-Mamoru's face darkened as he thought of everything that happened since he heard the evil cow's voice over the communicator-he and Usagi just couldn't face each other. He couldn't really blame her for not wanting to see or speak to him. Not after everything he said. And Neo was being a real bitch about the 'not sleeping with Usagi' thing. Wouldn't even speak to him, that stupid, vengeful cunt wrapped up in a smooth penis-y coating.  
  
But as promised, he HAD switched the orders numbers for the ice cream cones to super-absorbency tampons as soon as he stepped foot in his apartment. They arrived at his apartment the next day and Mamoru snuck in the arcade after closing time to do a little switch-a-roo. The next day, Mamoru strode into the arcade, the most innocent of expressions on his face, and heard the evil cow screaming angrily into the phone.  
  
"No, I did NOT order a hundred super-absorbency tampons, you half-wit! I run an arcade, not a drugstore!" Mamoru hid his grin behind a menu. The evil cow's face was scrunched up in anger and Mamoru could almost swear that his nostrils were flaring. Typical cow reaction. "I'm going to say this again, you douche-bag. I. DID. NOT. ORDER. ANY. FUCKING. TAMPONS. Ya got that, bitch? Now, you either take this shit back and give me the ice cream cones I ordered like a good little whore. What do you mean you have to speak to your manager? Listen you little pussy, give me back my cones or I'll shove a hundred tampons up your tight ass. Hello? Hello? Answer me you little prick! Hello?" Motoki slammed the receiver down in disgust. "That little shit-sucker hung up on me!"   
  
Mamoru smirked and lowered the menu. "Bad day, Motoki?" he asked, feigning concern.   
  
Motoki snatched a towel from behind the counter and began to wipe down the already spotless counter. "Yeah you could say that. Some little bastard messed up my order and now I've got a ton of ice cream and no cones! All I have are tampons! And these tampons are the hugest things I've ever seen! I swear to God, either these things are supposed to be used on horses or the women who use them must have the largest puss-"  
  
"Excuse me, mister. Can I have an ice cream cone with chocolate ice cream and lots of sprinkles?" a little girl with pigtails interrupted Motoki's tirade. (CR: this faaking keyboard is driving me crazy! Stupid school computer. It won't let me type the letter R. RRRRRRRRR! GD it!)  
  
Motoki narrowed his eyes and stared dangerously at the cherubic little girl with large eyes who reminded Mamoru of Usagi. "You want an ice cream?" he asked, his tone low and eerily quiet. The little girl nodded. "With lots of sprinkles, you say?" She nodded again, this time very enthusiastically. "Coming right up, sweetheart."  
  
The little girl clapped her hands innocently and tried to hop on the stool next to Mamoru. He watched as she struggled to lift herself onto the barstool before turning to him and batting her eyelashes in a wordless plea to help her out. 'Geez. She even acts like Usagi.' Muttering about the dangers of women and little girls who know how to work their puppy faces to their advantage, he scooped up the child and set her down on the stool like as if she were a sack of potatoes.   
  
Behind the counter, Motoki was busily at work fixing up the child's ice cream cone, which made Mamoru curious seeing as how he made sure to get rid of every single cone in the arcade. Mamoru could've sworn he heard Motoki cackling but wasn't sure.   
  
Finally, Motoki turned around and thrust something forward to the anxious child. "Here's your ice cream little girl." Mamoru swallowed a laugh when he saw that Motoki had partially pulled the tampon out of its applicator and opened it up, creating a makeshift cone. The little girl looked at Motoki's offering rather askance and wrinkled her little nose.   
  
"That looks like what my mommy puts up her pee-pee hole during her angry-happy days," she observed. Mamoru snorted with laughter. "I don't think I want to eat something in one of my mommy's pee-pee hole Band-Aids. That's yucky."  
  
By this time, Mamoru was rolling around on the floor, tears pouring down his face. The look on the kid's face was priceless but Motoki's...it was magic. It was a cross between an angry bull and an amused village idiot. Serves the bastard right for getting the toughest customer he's ever had wrapped up in a cute little package.   
  
"This," Motoki said through gritted teeth, gesturing at the tampon with his free hand, "is not a 'pee-pee hole Band-Aid' ya little rugrat. _This_ is called a tampon and it goes up your mother's cunt."  
  
Mamoru felt like smacking the stupid cow on the head for using that kind of language around a little kid.   
  
"What's a cunt?" she asked innocently. She pouted then shook her head defiantly. "Never mind. If you don't give me my ice cream in a _real_ cone, I'm gonna beat your silly cunt!" (CR: this should look VERY familiar to a certain reviewer who shall remain nameless. Sorry for using your review but it was golden and I've never laughed so hard in my life after reading a review)  
Mamoru had to admire the kid for standing up for herself against Motoki, a man who was usually patience personified but only until someone messes with his precious cones. He grimaced at the unintentional ecchi mental images that came with the words "Motoki" and "precious cones." That was just...gross and a completely un-Mamoru-like thing to think about. Yet another thing to hold against his ex-friend-turned-cow. Stupid cunt. Now he had to stab his eye out to distract his mind from wandering into the world of yaoi-a world that he, and most definitely Neo, didn't want to go.  
  
'You damn right I don't want to go there, you brainless cunt!' Neo shouted from beneath the lavender slacks and new silk boxers. 'Usagi must've left you hornier than I thought if you've resorted to having ecchi fantasies about this apron-wearing cow.'  
  
'I am NOT having ANY ecchi fantasies about that bitch!' Mamoru sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger. 'Look, let's not fight like this. I know we're BOTH frustrated...'  
  
'Damn straight! It's all that cunt's fault!' Neo shouted in Motoki's direction. 'Of course, you didn't do anything to alleviate the situation either, you dense cunt.'  
  
'HOW the motherfucking hell was I supposed to know she was standing BEHIND me when I said that shit to throw them off! She wouldn't even listen to me...'  
Neo sighed. And people said HE was insensitive, only wanting to please himself.   
'Mamoru, you've gotta find that girl and apologize like a bitch for saying that stuff. It's obvious that you're not happy without her and if YOU'RE not happy, I'M not happy if you know what I mean.'  
  
'I know. But every time I see her walking to school she turns crosses the street and walks away. If I enter the arcade, she leaves. How am I supposed to talk to her if she won't stay long enough for me to say a word?' Mamoru sighed dejectedly, watching Motoki and the little kid arguing about getting a refund for the fucked up looking ice cream cone.  
  
"I want a refund you turd!" the little girl screamed in Motoki's face. She got so angry that she stood up on the stool so she could look him in the eye. Mamoru held onto the back of her shirt woodenly to prevent her from falling and rested his head in his other palm.  
  
"I TOLD YOU WE DON'T GIVE REFUNDS YOU LITTLE BRAT!" he screamed back, shoving the tampon-cone into her tiny hands. "Now take it before I shove this up your mom's pee-pee hole!"   
  
Apparently, Motoki had pushed the little girl too far for she threw the ice cream concoction in Motoki's face, hitting it dead on. Mamoru wasn't surprised; Motoki's head was as big as his ego. The kid jumped down and ran out of the arcade, crying her eyes out. Just as the doors closed, Usagi and Minako stepped through, looking behind them in concern.  
  
"What happened, Motoki?" asked Minako, grimacing uncomfortably. She desperately wanted to excuse herself from present company to run into the washroom and pick the wedgie out of her ass. Was it just her imagination, or were her panties getting smaller and smaller? They must have shrunk in the wash, she reassured herself.  
  
"Someone from the warehouse messed up this week's ice cream cone order and delivered a bunch of huge-ass tampons instead. I swear, the women who use these things must have the biggest cunts in the world or something," he grumbled irritably.  
  
Usagi snapped her head up when she heard Motoki explaining his little dilemma. She had been trying to ignore Mamoru's silent pleas to look at him but couldn't resist a tiny grin when she learned that he had gone through with his evil plan after all. Mamoru grinned back and ever so slowly let his eyes travel to Mina who was covertly trying to pick her butt by standing in front of a video game. Usagi nodded almost imperceptibly.  
  
"ARGGGH! I can't take this anymore! Excuse me Motoki, but I have to visit the ladies' room." Without waiting for a reply, Mina sped towards the washroom like a bat outta hell, her hair flying behind her.  
  
Just as the ladies' room door slammed shut, the little girl and a very big man entered the arcade and headed towards the counter where Motoki was stationed. "That's him, Daddy! That's the man who said he wanted shove something up Mommy's pee-pee hole!"  
  
Motoki visibly paled and clutched the towel to his chest as the huge man with the snake tattoo on his face lumbered up to the counter, his leather jacket, pants and boots creaking with every step. "Are you the incredibly stupid man who made my daughter cry?" he asked Motoki menacingly.   
  
"Um...Well, you see sir, it was all a huge misunderstanding on her part," he explained lamely before throwing the towel in the man's face and racing out the back door, the man and his daughter in hot pursuit.  
  
"Get him, daddy!" she cried, running after the two men as fast as her little legs could carry her, leaving Mamoru and Usagi alone in the uncharacteristically quiet arcade.  
  
"Um, tell Mina that I went to the Temple," Usagi mumbled, already making a hasty retreat to the door when Mamoru's hand shot out and grabbed her own.  
  
"Can we talk, Usa? Please?" he asked. "I promise I won't take up too much of your time and if you want to leave after I say what I have to say, you can." After considering the request for a few seconds during which time, Mamoru's heart pounded in his chest, Usagi finally nodded her head. "Not here. At the park."  
  
Usagi sighed and followed him wordlessly out the door. They said nothing on the way to the park, just a few short minutes away from the arcade. Finally, they reached a bench overlooking the lake and sat down.  
  
"What is it you wanted to say, Mamoru-san?" Usagi asked softly, not trusting her voice. "I thought you said all that you wanted to say on the island."  
  
Mamoru and Neo winced. 'She is NOT gonna make this easy for you, buddy,' Neo observed. 'I suggest grovelling.'  
  
Mamoru ignored Neo's relentless commentary and looked at Usagi in the eye. "I never meant those things, Usa. I was just saying them to throw Motoki and the girls off guard. I didn't want them to suspect anything until we've paid them good for what they've done to us."  
  
"Yeah right. Just like you didn't mean it when you called me a 'fat, lazy cow who did nothing all day but stuff her face with caffeinated sweets and fail tests like a bitch in heat,' right?" she replied bitterly. Mamoru's face turned red from embarrassment.  
  
"I'm really sorry I said all those awful things to you, Usa. I've never taken the time to look beyond your faults because I didn't want to see mine. I've seen a whole new side to you on the island; one that I'd like to know very well. Please forgive me, Usa?" He made no move to touch her; he didn't want to scare her off before she's had a chance to mull over his apology.   
  
Usagi grit her teeth and tried hard not to let Mamoru's honeyed words lull her into forgiving him so easily. What if he hurt her again?   
  
"I won't hurt you, Usa. Never again," he said when she unwittingly spoke her thoughts out loud. "Please Usa. Give me another chance."  
  
"You promise you won't make fun of me anymore?" she asked timidly.  
  
"I don't think it's right for a man to make fun of his own girlfriend..."  
Usagi gasped and gaped at Mamoru, silently asking him if he just asked her to be his girlfriend. He nodded. "Are you fucking around with me, Mamoru, cuz if you are, it's not funny and I'm gonna Sailor Moon Kick you in the nut sack."  
  
'Oh man, TELL her you're not kidding!' Neo shouted, shivering with fright.  
  
"I'm not fucking around with you, Usa. I really want you to be my girlfriend." Usagi squealed and launched herself into his arms.   
  
'That's what I'M talkin' bout!' Neo crowed triumphantly. Usagi pressed herself closer to Mamoru, not noticing her close proximity to Neo. 'Well, hello again, sugar cunt,' Neo purred.  
  
'Hello yourself, handsome,' Usagi's nether region replied coyly. 'I have a feeling these two are finally going to be able to finish what they started a few days ago. Frankly, I knew it was bound to happen. It's obvious that they were just too damn proud to do anything about it.'  
  
'You got that right, sugar. How's about you give me a kiss?'  
  
'Oh you.'  
  
And so, Mamoru and Usagi kissed, blissfully unaware of the conversation going on below. After a few minutes, they pulled apart and Usagi nestled comfortably in Mamoru's embrace.  
  
"You know, there's still the matter of getting revenge on those bastards," Usagi reminded Mamoru. "I've already begun the panty-switching and you've already done the tampon thing but we need something BIG. Something to tell them not to mess with us ever again."  
  
"Did you ever get Rei back for cutting your hair?" Mamoru asked, running his fingers through her now shoulder-length hair. Usagi grinned wickedly.  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Well? What is it?"  
  
"I cut hers."  
  
"That's it?" he asked incredously. "I would've thought you'd come up with something more heinous than that."  
  
"Oh I did. I snuck into her room early in the morning and gave her a butchy hair cut. You know, sorta like that loudmouth American talk show host, Rosie O'Donell. She looks so different, you'd never recognize her ass if she walked past you on the street. Grandpa and Yuuchiro took one look at her and fell over laughing their heads off until they had to beat each other with brooms in order to stop. The scream that ripped from her mouth made the loss of my own hair seem worth it." Usagi tilted her head back and laughed. Mamoru couldn't help but admire the beautiful, carefree picture she just made.  
  
"I wish I could've been there to see it. Rei needs to be taken down a peg," Mamoru mused. "You know, all these little things that we've done to them aren't even close to what they've done to us. We've gotta do something that make them all wish, from the evil cow mastermind to Ami who probably had to be threatened with bodily harm to participate in their dastardly plan, that they were never born. But how..."  
  
They sat on the bench in silence for a few minutes, pondering the perfect revenge. "I've got it!" Usagi exclaimed, jumping up from the bench in her excitement. "You remember that Halloween party that His Cowness is going to throw at the arcade?" Mamoru nodded, already liking where she was going.   
  
"Well, we're going to..."   
  
As she outlined her plan to Mamoru, with him adding a few suggestions of his own, he couldn't help but notice just how much like his princess she looked. Without warning, he caught her up in a fierce hug. "I love you," he whispered to her.   
  
"I love you too." Usagi smiled brightly and pecked him lightly on the lips. "But if you ever piss me off, I'm gonna have to bust a cap in your ass."   
It was Mamoru's turn to laugh. "Bring it on, Odango. I'd love to have you do anything concerning my ass." Usagi howled with laughter and swatted him on the arm.  
  
"You're so fucking cheesy. Now remember, we have to pretend to hate each other so they won't suspect anything. This is gonna be SO much fun. I can't wait to see their faces four days from now when they find out that they can't mess with us and get away with it." Mamoru could've sworn he saw devil horns growing on his new girlfriend's head. 'Girlfriend. I like the sound of that.'  
  
'You have no idea how much I like the sound of that,' Neo cut in. 'Now, when do we get to sleep with her?'  
  
'Shut the fuck up, Neo!' Mamoru mentally shouted.  
  
'Fine, fine. But you know you want to.' Mamoru just shook his head and pulled Usagi in for another kiss.  
  
Four days later, Halloween night:  
  
Japanese pop music blared through the arcade as Usagi came through the door dressed up as a whore from the American Wild West. She had the corset, frilly skirt and fishnet stockings that came with the saloon floozy look. Her hair was pinned up into ringlets and a large hat on her head with a peacock feather floating jauntily in the air. She looked like every guy's wet dream come true.  
  
She spotted Mamoru across the room standing near the punchbowl with Motoki. She caught her breath as Mamoru turned around to get more punch, his thigh muscles clearly outlined by the tight as hell brown suede pants that he was wearing. The light cotton shirt he was wearing was opened to reveal his muscular chest and the sleeves were rolled up to his elbows. 'Holy shit,' she thought, 'and I thought he looked good naked!'  
  
Meanwhile, Mamoru was standing near the punchbowl feeling like punching Motoki, who was dressed up like a pimp, complete with a multi-coloured trench coat with faux fur collar, gold pimp watch with fake diamonds around the face and the tackiest ruby ring on his pinkie.   
  
'Whoa, Usagi alert!' Neo shouted, instantly jumping to alertness. 'DAMN she looks HOT! Mamoru, did I ever tell you how much I love you?' Mamoru turned in the direction Neo was pointing and sure enough, he saw Usagi standing in all her whorish glory. He flashed her a grin that showed just how much he loved her outfit. Neo waved when she licked her upper lip in what could only be described as a naughty way. He rolled his eyes in Motoki's direction, who was too busy yammering away about the success of his party to notice the exchange of lust-filled looks between them.   
  
She sidled up to them with the girls in tow. Mina had dressed up as a very scantily clad French maid, further reinforcing Mamoru's opinion that she was very much a whore; Raye, who, with her new hair cut, had no choice but to come as a dyke dominatrix in an ominous looking outfit of black leather and a riding crop; Amy had come as a slutty nurse whose incredibly short uniform just wouldn't stay buttoned up, thus revealing a surprising amount of cleavage; Makoto came to the party as a genie who only granted wishes of the sexy variety.  
As soon as the girls reached them, Makoto looked at Mamoru up and down in appreciation. "Damn Mamoru, you can ride me any time!"   
  
"Er...um..." his eyes immediately flicked to Usagi who looked like she wanted to split Makoto in half by pulling her legs apart. "That's ok, Makoto. I'm all good." Usagi smiled sweetly at him, letting him know that he said the right thing. He tapped his watch lightly, letting Usagi know that it was almost time for their plan to commence.  
Usagi nodded her head and turned to Motoki, her puppy face already in place.   
  
"Motoki, I think I smelled something weird coming from the boiler room. Gosh, you don't think it's a gas leak, do you?" Mamoru almost laughed at the irony of Usagi playing the innocent when she was dressed up as a whore.  
Motoki furrowed his brows in concern. "I don't know. Dad said that we'd been having trouble with the furnace lately. I think I'm gonna go check it out."  
  
"Let me come with you," Mina immediately volunteered as Mamoru and Usagi had predicted. It was only a matter of time before the rest of the rats take the bait. Sure enough...  
  
"Yeah Motoki-san. It's a good idea to take us with you just in case," Makoto said. "Who knows what kind of shit you're gonna run into down there?" Usagi and Mamoru had to bite their lips to prevent themselves from smiling.  
  
"I think that's a smart idea, Motoki-san. I have studied the chemical elements of many types of gases. If it _is_ a gas leak, I'm sure I'll be able to identify it," Ami said confidently, her eyes gleaming at the thought of putting her knowledge in practice. Rei just nodded in agreement.   
  
"All right. This way," Motoki practically shouted over the loud music. He led the entire group to a door in the back of the arcade and flicked on the light switch, revealing a staircase leading to the basement. "The boiler room's down here."  
  
He led them down the stairs, their footsteps making loud clunking noises on the worn steps. Mamoru and Usagi lagged behind the group, a bit of evil lurking in their eyes.  
  
"Hey, who the fuck are all of you?" they heard Motoki ask. They grinned.  
  
"These people, my 'friends,' are here for the Hentai Writers' Conference with their stories in hand ready to be edited...by all of you," Usagi informed the shocked group of people in front of her.  
  
"What the hell are you talking about Odango?" Rei asked in a shrill voice. She glanced around the crowded room filled to overflowing with writers in every shape and size, dressed in various costumes to get into the Halloween spirit. "Why are you doing this to us?"  
  
Mamoru narrowed his eyes. "I seem to remember asking myself that when I woke up on that fucked up island in nothing but a porno-style loincloth and a cheesy t-shirt. I asked myself that very question when I had to go back to school and work, facing embarrassing inquiries about my 'delicate condition.' At first, I had no idea what the fucking hell they were talking about but I knew it had something to do with the six of you." He put his arms around Usagi's shoulder and grinned at Motoki. "Oh yeah, I guess your little plan worked. I've been enjoying the fruits of your labour for four nights now."   
  
Motoki's jaw dropped. So his plan _had_ worked but they had been planning this all along. "But...but...if you guys are together now, why put us through all this? Shouldn't you be thanking us instead of punishing us?"  
  
Usagi's eyes flashed dangerously. "Motoki, you really ARE a cunt, you know that?"  
  
"A pretty dumb one at that," Mamoru added. "Just consider yourselves lucky that I don't tie you all up and let Queen Beryl's youma ass rape all of you until you can't stand. But then again, that's what these guys are for," he added, pointing towards the eager audience behind them.  
  
Usagi spotted a beefy-looking woman with really short, curly hair and coke bottle glasses, dressed up as Indiana Jones. (CR: this is for you, LS! HAHAHA!) "Hey Rei," she fairly sang, malice in her voice, "you'd want to hide your cunt from that 'girl' over there. I hear she's a cunt hunter."  
  
Rei turned in the direction Usagi was pointing and paled, hiding behind Makoto who immediately smacked her upside the head. "I'm not getting MY cunt hunted, you manly whore!" she exclaimed.  
  
"Hey! When is the seminar gonna start?" a person dressed up in a many-tentacled alien costume shouted. "I gotta go home to watch the Star Trek marathon, ya know!"  
  
"Take it easy, people. The guest panel has arrived and they're VERY excited to read your stories as well as give you all some pointers," Mamoru told the crowd soothingly. "Did I also mention that our distinguished guests have also starred in their own short-lived hentai anime a few years ago called 'Moomoo Stink and the Hell Raisers?'"  
  
"Oh yeah! I remember that!"  
  
"I loved that show!"  
  
Usagi rolled her eyes at the sexless freaks surrounding her. How could they have watched that anime if it never existed? Stupid cunts. "Well all, I'm afraid we must leave you now for the next six hours. Mamo-chan and I have a dance to attend." They turned around and started ascending the stairs.  
  
"Wait Usagi-chan, Mamoru-san! Take me with you! I had nothing to do with it, I swear!" Ami begged. "It was all Motoki and Mina's idea!"  
  
"You fucking sell-out!" Minako screeched. "You were the one who knocked Mamoru out with a cast-iron skillet!" The two girls started arguing as the would-be authors formed a tight ring around them, preventing their escape. Mamoru linked hands with Usagi and started up the stairs again, locking the door behind them once they got upstairs.  
  
"Well, those losers should keep them busy for a good six hours," Usagi said once they were back on the dance floor. "I only wish it was a month-long 'conference' so they would know what it was like for us on that island."  
  
"It wasn't _that_ bad, was it?" Mamoru asked, nuzzling his lips into her hair. "Seeing me naked was the highlight of the month."  
  
Usagi rolled her eyes. "You're such an ego-maniac. Keep that up and I won't be sleeping with you any time soon."  
  
'You stupid cunt!' Neo yelled. 'Take it back!'  
  
'How am I supposed to show her who wears the pants in this relationship if I keep folding every time she pulls the 'no sex' card?' Mamoru snapped.  
  
'If you're talking about those fruity-ass lavender pants you might as well give up now cuz you win arguments sooner if you were dressed in a Scottish kilt with a sports bra on your head than with them. Give up, buddy, you're whipped.'  
  
Mamoru shrugged. 'I guess I am,' he thought happily, planting a kiss on Usagi's lips by way of apology. "Happy Halloween."  
  
"Happy Halloween."  
  
Epilogue:  
  
They had been sitting in the cold, dank basement for a good four hours now, the party long over but the conference just beginning. Motoki and the girls had just heard a forty-three chaptered story in-progress about the Sailor Senshi and their love lives delivered by a lily-livered little shit of a man that looked like he had been out in the sun for only a couple of days in his entire lifetime.  
  
"Oh good lord, it's the _same_ exact sex scene over and over," moaned Makoto behind her hand.  
  
"I feel sorry for his wife," grumbled Ami. "She must be so bored in the sack and must have to rely on...other methods to get off."  
  
"That dyke keeps looking at me weird," Rei whispered, fingering her hair self-consciously. "Don't let her get near me, Mako-chan."  
  
They groaned as the pale man began reading another chapter. "Hey, your story faaking sucks, you dried up old cunt!" Minako screamed in frustration.  
  
"Easy, Mina," soothed Motoki. "Only a couple more hours to go." He clenched his teeth as the man started reading the sex scene from chapter three in his latest chapter. "You suck, you unimaginative cunt! Get the hell outta my face!"  
  
The man's eyes welled up with tears. "My wife seems to like them."  
  
"Well, you're wife's a whore who gets hers elsewhere," he retorted. "In fact, I think I used her services just last night. She kept complaining about her husband's two-inch dick and the fact that he couldn't think of anything kinkier to do in the bedroom other than licking her cunt. You really should work on that."  
  
"MOTOKI! You cheating bastard!" Minako screeched. Thus began an argument between the two, effectively ending the advice session for the time being. The dyke Rei was so afraid of approached the makeshift stage.  
  
"Hey there, gorgeous," she said in a fake man's voice, winking at the frightened girl. "I like your hair. Where'd you have it done?"  
  
"Um, my friend cut it for me. I really have to go now. My friend gets jealous every time I talk to other girls, right Mako-chan?" she asked desperately, elbowing the girl in the ribs.  
  
"Err, yeah. That's me. Very jealous. I don't like sharing _this_ cunt."  
  
The dyke simply smiled. "That's ok, you can come along."  
  
The two girls gulped. "Um...." They were saved from having to answer when the dyke simply crumpled to the ground unconscious, Ami standing behind her with a lead pipe in her hand.  
  
"You know, you're getting pretty good at that, Ami-chan."  
  
"Thanks Mako-chan. NO ONE messes with MY cunts without my permission!" she declared. Makoto and Rei gulped and backed away nervously. "What? What'd I say?"  
************************************************************************  
CR: That's all folks. It's finally done! I worked like a faaking bitch on crack to get this out before the midnight deadline. Right now it's 11:16 so I've got a little more time before the contest closes. Now if only my stupid dial-up connection would connect. HURRY UP, you slow-ass bitch! I don't have all night you know! I'm gonna put up this un-edited version cuz I'm just too damn tired to read it. If it's all crapped up, don't bitch at me cuz I'm really not in the faaking mood to hear it. I'll look at it tomorrow and replace it when I'm good and ready.   
  
November 6, 2002  
CR: Hahaha...this story's been done for almost a week and you're just now reading it. If you guys had gone on Aria's Ink you would've seen the end much sooner. Let me just take the opportunity to thank all those who reviewed here, AI and ASMR. To explain the ending for some of you guys...it's really more of a private joke between LS and me more than it was meant to be the ultimate revenge against them. In our opinion, getting stuck in a locked basement with a certain hentai author for 8 grueling hours editing his work is THE ultimate punishment next to...I don't know, spreading glue all over your pubic hair, waiting for it to set and yanking it off in one determined pull. OUCH! So, if you didn't like it, go suck on Neo and walk it off cuz I'm NOT writing a new ending. What would you guys think if we did a continuation of this fic in time for Christmas? I'm still trying to convince myself that it's not such a bad idea and I think LS is too. *smacks herself on the head* Get back to work on your essay, whore! @_@;;;;; 


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